I remember your gesture
small tin thing
exquisite design delicate inside
full of camel dollars
There it sits still small
two years past Christmas
how's my bracelet?
& that silly snow shaker
more air than flakes
not much to spin
How do I apologize?
My case remains open
you are still in my head
more voice than face
phone romance-please,
Eric-I want to be friends
I open the lid careful-slow
I can still smell your nicotine
It touched me
the quiet snap-close
cold and pink against
my finger tips
How do I explain the love I have?
You thought I withheld-withdrew
denied- I didn't- just disguised
distance in miles
distance in years
we are dimensions apart
but in my heart
you are there
with your proper English
and Southern eloquence
the way you inhale
and spread your lips across you teeth
Did I use you?
Yes-Yes-Yes!
and I would all the more
Don't call me a loss
or include me in the empty spaces
call me sweetheart
talk to me dirty
I am sorry if I offended
my intentions are simple
no pretentious bull shit
just one rare thing
unhollow low sugar words of honesty
this gesture in my heart
12-14-98
Beautiful Plain Smile
You asked me why I bother
putting this stuff on my lips
and the way you look at me now
makes me want more than
lipstick
and every feeling of desire
draws me to your eyes
you pull your hand to your mouth
are you hiding behind her?
I’d like to believe we were
the only ones that mattered
that we could converge by
sound and volume
I know there is a real boy
behind your blonde fingers
and professional phone voice
as we search songs for our souls
and our sincerity I feel the pull of your
inner melody -but you’re not selling the rights
you know who you can write
out these words for and I watch
her beautiful plain
smile rub your back and you
kick like a dog happy servant
she holds you together when
I want to tear you apart
more power to her cause she
knows what she is doing
obviously since you keep the
line around your insides
tight and opaque
I merely speculate these verses
and write solo love poems
9-24-98
putting this stuff on my lips
and the way you look at me now
makes me want more than
lipstick
and every feeling of desire
draws me to your eyes
you pull your hand to your mouth
are you hiding behind her?
I’d like to believe we were
the only ones that mattered
that we could converge by
sound and volume
I know there is a real boy
behind your blonde fingers
and professional phone voice
as we search songs for our souls
and our sincerity I feel the pull of your
inner melody -but you’re not selling the rights
you know who you can write
out these words for and I watch
her beautiful plain
smile rub your back and you
kick like a dog happy servant
she holds you together when
I want to tear you apart
more power to her cause she
knows what she is doing
obviously since you keep the
line around your insides
tight and opaque
I merely speculate these verses
and write solo love poems
9-24-98
Keep In Touch (Or See Ya Next Summer)
You have become one of those people
who call me up when looking through
your address book.
What to say, catching up-new pet
old job, new girl, same friends-
long pause-
I choose someone other than you.
You have to let me know it
doesn’t affect you.
Well, it affects me.
I just wanted to feel the way
I used to feel when your voice
could make my palms sweat
and lying on my bed alone
with the reciever in hand and
my fingers skimming the
surface of my thighs.
You have company,
It wasn’t your fault you snored
all night and your body heat
touching my bare legs was
driving me crazy.
Yet I still blame you for not
being the right one-for being
too much like my mother
and letting all your old friends
down including me.
I’m not even aroused, cheap date.
I was in the mood and everything.
Gotta go kiddo- you whisper in
your imfamous bedroom voice.
You’ve never even been in mine.
I’m doing fine by the way.
9-23-98
who call me up when looking through
your address book.
What to say, catching up-new pet
old job, new girl, same friends-
long pause-
I choose someone other than you.
You have to let me know it
doesn’t affect you.
Well, it affects me.
I just wanted to feel the way
I used to feel when your voice
could make my palms sweat
and lying on my bed alone
with the reciever in hand and
my fingers skimming the
surface of my thighs.
You have company,
It wasn’t your fault you snored
all night and your body heat
touching my bare legs was
driving me crazy.
Yet I still blame you for not
being the right one-for being
too much like my mother
and letting all your old friends
down including me.
I’m not even aroused, cheap date.
I was in the mood and everything.
Gotta go kiddo- you whisper in
your imfamous bedroom voice.
You’ve never even been in mine.
I’m doing fine by the way.
9-23-98
louder
it doesn’t hurt
my ears throbbing
the volume up
not loud enough
the song is unimportant
to the cause
just so much as it
beats in my bones
my heart is deaf
death is silence
my thoughts a rope
around my heart
I can make the pain forget
my stereo and I
hip high speakers
& some meaningless rhythms
eleven months
and I still can’t move
I’ve gone so far past
the streets we drove
so far past the half
standing tall
wooden ship we hid in
I am so much more powerful
than I have ever been
I can go to movies alone
I can be proud of myself
love is not such a dirty word
eleven months
I sit with the music louder
it just hit me & I had to hit back
hit you with the ones you hate
hit you back with moans
and guitar solos
snares and bad lyrics
if I can’t hear myself think
I can’t hear your voice
your condemnation
your curse
like I can’t ever go on
“never again is what you
swore”-but I will
use my attack
on your last hold
I WILL blame you
why not?
anything to forget
anything to hurt less
I guess the thumping
in my chest
is comfort for now
comfort I denied myself
for eleven months
comfort in beats & rhythms
melodies & bass lines
“I press my hands to my ears”
8-20-98
my ears throbbing
the volume up
not loud enough
the song is unimportant
to the cause
just so much as it
beats in my bones
my heart is deaf
death is silence
my thoughts a rope
around my heart
I can make the pain forget
my stereo and I
hip high speakers
& some meaningless rhythms
eleven months
and I still can’t move
I’ve gone so far past
the streets we drove
so far past the half
standing tall
wooden ship we hid in
I am so much more powerful
than I have ever been
I can go to movies alone
I can be proud of myself
love is not such a dirty word
eleven months
I sit with the music louder
it just hit me & I had to hit back
hit you with the ones you hate
hit you back with moans
and guitar solos
snares and bad lyrics
if I can’t hear myself think
I can’t hear your voice
your condemnation
your curse
like I can’t ever go on
“never again is what you
swore”-but I will
use my attack
on your last hold
I WILL blame you
why not?
anything to forget
anything to hurt less
I guess the thumping
in my chest
is comfort for now
comfort I denied myself
for eleven months
comfort in beats & rhythms
melodies & bass lines
“I press my hands to my ears”
8-20-98
White-Lined Pages
Don’t feel much
Like writing here
White lined pages
Look so pure unused
Trying to reflect
On the same couch
Fan oscillating my hair
How is it I found
To be content still without
A soul mate
Absolution
Eight months away from
The last devastating blow
My heart still beating
Does pain make beauty-
Does pain and creativity flow
Through one line…
This is the way it seems to go
I sit and ponder pen and paper ready
My mind wanders somewhere
Out the window gone
I lose the will to write
Lose the words to describe
My heart steady
My life in control
I hope this means will not die
I still need to travel here
White-lined pages losing purity
8-15-98
Like writing here
White lined pages
Look so pure unused
Trying to reflect
On the same couch
Fan oscillating my hair
How is it I found
To be content still without
A soul mate
Absolution
Eight months away from
The last devastating blow
My heart still beating
Does pain make beauty-
Does pain and creativity flow
Through one line…
This is the way it seems to go
I sit and ponder pen and paper ready
My mind wanders somewhere
Out the window gone
I lose the will to write
Lose the words to describe
My heart steady
My life in control
I hope this means will not die
I still need to travel here
White-lined pages losing purity
8-15-98
DISCO
Now she's thumping to a disco beat
out of control to the pumping lights
She used to moan and whisper
there was never any stopping her then
She still crys and scream but
with a bigger backup band
I want to catch her train
to throw off all the binders
and release the voice inside of me
crawling as powerful as the beast
out loud off the lines out of the ink
up above the white page I float
away from the closing books
She's often misunderstood but that
never kept her down before
Oh how I want the honesty of
a simple upright and her wailing
even then it was never simple much
even then she told riddles and mysteries
I can't stop her from running and
I want to run along side of her
my fingers aren't lying to anyone
they've done what they've done
and they don't ask for forgiveness
and what's more they will do it again
I want to use the boy as much he protests
does that make me evil
does that make me a bad girl
I want no one above me and no one below
I just want freedom and free access
I want lots of love and
quiet
I want her urgency ripped open
I don't care if she speaks about sex or
money or power or the grocery boy
she says everything inside of the little words
the big ones say even more
I am not infatuated
I just want it for myself
It's still sticky and it didn't feel that good
but I won't stop now
I want the minutes in between
sleep and awake to fuck hard and soft
I feel so little without an outside
body telling me what I do not know
Tell me many things tell me more
Speak to my toes and my nipples
and my tongue my mind is listening
(and I thought I had to stop there)
Will I sweat like they promised
my fingers already are
I love it when she sounds like
a seductive queen quick-talker
I project to you my secrets I've lied
I feel all of the same things
(this is such an acceptable way of telling you)
I can't imagine what losing her was like
I can't imagine your pain then
So you turn it into piano keys
strike them hard-harder for decibel strength
and you scream and you moan
and whisper and fuck the music
your constant faithful lover
I've been coveting it for years
I want to take him in my arms
the gentle way you pretend not to do
my body underneath the lights
as the sounds are too loud for them
it hurts my feet not to move
do I blame you for the disco beat
are you through with me
and my upright dream
will I wail and scream and moan
like you someday...
5-21-98
out of control to the pumping lights
She used to moan and whisper
there was never any stopping her then
She still crys and scream but
with a bigger backup band
I want to catch her train
to throw off all the binders
and release the voice inside of me
crawling as powerful as the beast
out loud off the lines out of the ink
up above the white page I float
away from the closing books
She's often misunderstood but that
never kept her down before
Oh how I want the honesty of
a simple upright and her wailing
even then it was never simple much
even then she told riddles and mysteries
I can't stop her from running and
I want to run along side of her
my fingers aren't lying to anyone
they've done what they've done
and they don't ask for forgiveness
and what's more they will do it again
I want to use the boy as much he protests
does that make me evil
does that make me a bad girl
I want no one above me and no one below
I just want freedom and free access
I want lots of love and
quiet
I want her urgency ripped open
I don't care if she speaks about sex or
money or power or the grocery boy
she says everything inside of the little words
the big ones say even more
I am not infatuated
I just want it for myself
It's still sticky and it didn't feel that good
but I won't stop now
I want the minutes in between
sleep and awake to fuck hard and soft
I feel so little without an outside
body telling me what I do not know
Tell me many things tell me more
Speak to my toes and my nipples
and my tongue my mind is listening
(and I thought I had to stop there)
Will I sweat like they promised
my fingers already are
I love it when she sounds like
a seductive queen quick-talker
I project to you my secrets I've lied
I feel all of the same things
(this is such an acceptable way of telling you)
I can't imagine what losing her was like
I can't imagine your pain then
So you turn it into piano keys
strike them hard-harder for decibel strength
and you scream and you moan
and whisper and fuck the music
your constant faithful lover
I've been coveting it for years
I want to take him in my arms
the gentle way you pretend not to do
my body underneath the lights
as the sounds are too loud for them
it hurts my feet not to move
do I blame you for the disco beat
are you through with me
and my upright dream
will I wail and scream and moan
like you someday...
5-21-98
Confession of A Real Girl
I feel the need to confess
to come clean
to speak out loud
the obviousness of myself
no more games
I plea, to be frank
to give a simple
to the point explanation
bottom line me
Look, I say
to be honest
Look, I say
if you really want to know
I am under here
I am less
I am more
than presented
not over-confident cocky girl
not insecure passive girl
sincere me is real
I say, quite better
much more filling
than these passing airs
Read Me!
pass those constant lies
I am vulnerable and strong
I am good and bad and innocent
I am everything
and nothing more than
what you might see
if you don’t listen
to my constant rambling
I feel the need to state
to proclaim the truth
as it is through my eyes
1-29-98
to come clean
to speak out loud
the obviousness of myself
no more games
I plea, to be frank
to give a simple
to the point explanation
bottom line me
Look, I say
to be honest
Look, I say
if you really want to know
I am under here
I am less
I am more
than presented
not over-confident cocky girl
not insecure passive girl
sincere me is real
I say, quite better
much more filling
than these passing airs
Read Me!
pass those constant lies
I am vulnerable and strong
I am good and bad and innocent
I am everything
and nothing more than
what you might see
if you don’t listen
to my constant rambling
I feel the need to state
to proclaim the truth
as it is through my eyes
1-29-98
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