The Gap (Between You & I)

Don't hide your shit
from me-
though my dress
will be white,
my eyes are not blind
and my mouth
has tasted the impure.
Don't hide your shit
from me-
I am not a child
or a priest
with clean hands.
I invited hate to live
in my heart
with a bitterness
like an addiction.
I injected my mind
with insanity
impossibly tangled
with reason
in a paradox box
I built with my hands
alone.
Don't hide your shit
from me-
do you think I will
judge or accuse?
Am I so untainted
to hold my ears
from your words
of honesty?
In truth, I may never
lift a glass
and partake
of your morality-
but the gap between
you and I is not
as wide as the ocean.
Don't hide your shit
from me-
my blood will flow
the same as yours
no thinner
no thicker.
I, as real as you
and quite as frail,
will look for truth
as it speaks-
not as it is spoken.

12-29-93

Control

I felt my body
spinning-spinning
out of control.
I asked you why
I knew nothing;
you laughed,
cupped my cheeks gently,
and said, "just become me."
I've always pushed,
thinking you were pulling,
reaching deeper
and touching the depth
of my shallow soul.
You stopped me kindly,
shook your head; oh majesty,
I realize.
All the time I was
spinning-spinning,
eyes closed, fetally holding,
you were pushing-pushing
me deeper-
deeper-
Never will I touch
the final depth
of your essence,
in your encompassment
gently-love pure and holy.
Stop me spinning
you stop me spinning.

12-93

Regret

rest anxious heart
these taunts of love
will pass your window by
as night must turn
further from the sun
to reach the light of morning
you lay still and pause
for the rustle of destiny
may be whispered
from the mouth of a child
on a day of whirlwinds
and accident, you must
not shut the door
heavy locks of insecurities
leave no room for possibility
or good intentions
set and fix your eyes above
temporary rings and fast
food for the passion depraved
God knows you live alone
and walk along sunset skies
empty-handed without the kind
scent of a lover's warmth
guiding you home
love him and you will receive
a thousand dreams you could
never have dreamt in regret

8-93

Recycled

to feel the heat
palms and knees
you withdrawal your face
into my arms awaiting
my heart pushing limits
when you reach deep
and I let you touch
in my darkest corners
don't let me down
they all take their turn
I deny revenge
to prove my resilience
I lie another day
stop eating my insides out
I am alone again
you tried holding me back
and setting me free
you kiss my eyes
caress my anxiety
it wasn't my intentions
to hide myself from you
but when I start to run
I leave everything behind
blaming only my lack of trust
I count myself empty
but you smile and sigh
because I've always had you
the farther you reach
and the harder you pull
the rush of my soul
to give myself up
and surrender my instincts
resisting the conflict
with your deep persistence
you leave nothing of myself
for me to call home
and in the end
you make me more
than I ever was
before you

7-10-93

The Desire To Be God

you lick the spoon of life
I fear such indulgence
pushed out of my driver’s seat
should your overdose of risk
be counted as complete experience
or fully realized passion?
I want to inhale you
breathe death’s fumes
to bring you strength
I would use my body
to shield your weakness
drive you blade deep
into my heart decayed
and leave your regret to rot
I can build you walls
I can hold back the rain
I can surround your soul
from the poison thunder
I will bring you peace
from my rooms of solitude
in hopes I can quite
the nightmare you live
I do not know your war
Oh! how I would fight
if God would give to me
the battle raging inside you
God must see us low
in our blind theater play
and envy the gods you make
I fall mute in anguish
for our jealous God seeks
your untainted devotion
turn to Him like a clock
wound tight for purpose
I sign in satisfaction
knowing my destiny to fail
in loving you, God will not.

7-93

June 20, 1993

reality was warm
on my breast
I can't believe she's dead
she'll come home
scratching at the door
and the aching
in my stomach
making it hard to speak
will stop
it's easier pretending
than loving
I knew the smell
of her breath
how her body
would stretch
across my stomach
against my neck
beneath my hair
the heat I remember most
warm soft with truth
when she would dig
her claws deep
in my skin
I held her
I could not let go
I only wish
I didn't have to find her
and see her mouth open
with the flies buzzing
damn flies
you don't know her
and they go about
sucking on her flesh
she was whole
and fresh
body stretched long
like when she'd lay on me
why did I have to see her
so quickly after
Death and God took her
can't the world stop
for just one minute
and try to understand
people still hate
and hurt each other
thinking simple
and selfish thoughts
I'm not asking
for the world's attention
just a moment of peace
where people might love
without expectations
and give a little more
than they want to
even when it hurts
so crazy to think
of the world and complexity
over a deceased cat

Glover

oh! the elation of pillow fights
my eternal glover
forgive my pride
my unwillingness to admit
I was wrong
you-full of life
and mischief in downtown days
no time for girls
no time for growing up
we rolled down the grass
of such a mansion of a home
you and "tag"
became a "tagger"
ask me again
what to say to girls
ask me what it's like
to kiss and stay young
you were so small
an innocent
my love advisor
such wisdom for one
so untainted
I hate the world
how it has embraced you
you've grown into a man
I missed the date-the hour
they gave you maturity
and hormones-my goodness
Glover! I always knew
your face would shine
and girls would catch
the fever of your strength
I wanted you to stay
the way I always loved you
carefree and young
eternal symbol of youth
I lost the last connection
to my own immaturity
I am old
you are old
my childhood friend
gave me hope
in humanity-in life
Glover-don't ever forget
that life is too short
to be anyone but yourself

6-13-93

Urgency

my urgency to need you
was never before such
a pulling of the heart strings
a grinding to the stop
signs of desperation
(we'd never call it that)
my urgency to leave you
flashlight to the stars
like salt pulled from water
so far I never would go
away to a desert island
of death is you no more
my urgency to be you
and every ounce I know
in all mirrors I see
you a reflection of myself
a completion like a puzzle
pieced from hands of love
my urgency to keep you
a desire known to few
like passion I must hold
these moment tight as ice
in a smooth perfect freeze
framed my body sweet inside

5-13-93

Sorrow's End

you teddybear eyes
tell me stay
and I will
go through the door-
way to a forest
of dreams I believe
the ending was a lie
too many pictures
parked cars-moonlight
drive the aching
from my soul and
forget about tomorrow
clench your fist in mine
it won't stop if we
add our names together
on an elm of age
I am sinking through
the soil-the earth
you planted your seed
I swallow hard
and pray I will never
wake from your embrace
I am smothered
with joy-you bastard
I smell your shirt
and cry for a child
entangle my soul
in your spinning eyes
I am lost inside
are you mine tonight
I can't help but pray
this really means
as much to you as me
I swear-only you
can destroy me, love
we blanket together
under a smiling sun
my headache ceases
and every nerve and fiber
in my body will release
when your lips touch mine

5-12-93

Feline

You’re a rough boy
and around the edges
you sit and wait
for my response.
You cat
around like a tiger
and prowl through
my hair.
Soft purry paws
conceal razor claws,
and I am a lion tamer
trying to kitten
you out.
I extract your devotion.
offering myself as prey.
You always come back
for more.

5-12-93

Slinky

Don't lash your eyes
at me, girl.
Voice dropping softly
like silk,
you caress his words
as he spreads his feathers
out like a kite in
a warm summer
breeze.
Your lip sticked adoration
is lapped up like a dog
by his fat ears,
aching for more.

I want to vomit
at the scene.

Turn the knob
and your direction
disgusted with yourself.
you seek my approval
like wet toilet paper
on my oily hands.
I say yes-
just dry up
and face out and away
from the past.
You so easily slip behind
like a slinky
you get tangled
in yourself.
You ask me or God
to untwist you
again.
I cannot promise
you will bounce back.

5-11-93

I Build My House

I build my house of love
on my version of security.
I build my world-my life
on the things I can control,
things I create and mesh
tightly-
neatly-
good.
Tremble and shake-I die
in my house of locked doors,
locked up love-locked in.
I build my house of love
with hands unlearned-
stupid hands.
useless hands.
dry hands.
I build a house
I build a shelter
protect me from the storm-
no-from me and my blindness.
I turn
from God.
from salvation.
from peace.
Good news-good gospel.
I can't hear my call.
or His voice.
or any voice of those
whose intentions are true.
intentions of love.
I build silence.
My house, I build
to be destroyed.
to be swept away.
I build myself
out of nothing.
myself.
The evidence is plain-
I am no carpenter.

5-11-93

Well Deserved (for Dave)

I deserve to hate you,
and your nervous laughter,
the way you would pat my shoulder,
and roll your eyes
when you smiled.
I deserve to hate you
because you took me to Mammoth
and Yosemite Park.
You bought me clothes,
you bought me glasses,
and played guitar.
I deserve to hate you
because of the silver bracelet
you gave me with your name
inscribed in bold letters.
I deserve to hate you
because the last birthday card
you gave said
if I was up ate eight a.m.
you would take me to breakfast.
I slept in
because you never asked
me to love you,
but I did.
all to reach the point
of calling you my father.
I did and thanked God
for bringing you in my life.
I accepted you
and you imperfections.
I learned to give you respect.
I thought it was enough.
I wanted to need you
so I did.
And when I needed you to need me,
you walked out the door untouched.
I deserve to hate you
because it was all a waste of time.

5-11-93

Push

Being pushed out
and over the edge-
being pushed out
of a great big house
of memories-
the memories-
the damn memories.
Being pushed out
and over reason
being pushed out
of my bed-my closet-
my dresser drawers-
my drawers-
I put MY clothes here-
my clothes.
Being pushed out
passed doorways
I know blindfolded-
I memorized how far
the kitchen-the den
the bathroom-my room-
I know it all by heart.
Being pushed out
by my former father
forced to love-now hate
I hate you-
because I loved you
and this great big house-
damn house-damn you
damn the cold world
I have to live in.
This was my shelter-
this house-these walls
hid my imperfection-
my insecurity.
Being pushed out
and over the edge
she rejoices-the freedom
my mother-my mother
she will not be my walls-
she takes flight
free-Free-FREE
STOP
Don't push me out
don't look down-
don't touch my things-
and loss of love
don't touch-don't touch.
Being pushed out
I know the time
I want to forget
I want to remember
to hold on-hold on
I remember parties-laughter
remember broken windows
building shelves-together
painting walls-together
sitting down for dinner
(what a concept!)
we held hands- heads bowed
in union-bound by prayer
for our family-together
I still bow my head
but not for prayer
for shame-for regret
I cannot look at you
my previous-former father
I cannot meet your eyes
ever again
you tear down my walls
tear down-tear down.

5-5-93

Day Child

Oh, my child, stay a child another
careless day. The things you want
to know will be revealed in time
as your dreams change from ice cream
and bicycles to romance and world peace.
Stay a child and swing high on the tree
of life. Swing high for the branches
you'll climb, hoping to reach the stars.
My child, youth is a sweet breath many
yearn to remember. Breathe deep-enjoy
the strength of innocence and believe
the world is yours another careless day.
 
4-26-93

The Time It Takes To Wait

eager eyes
over window sill
through curtain watch
me dress things
you did not understand
why I breathed heavily
against your neck
your youthful want
silked soft my arms
held you back
held you close
it's love that says no
it's hate that cannot endure
selfish needs to satisfy
satisfy my intentions
you need not inquire
if it was appropriate behavior
no need to state the obvious
no need to push me away
I don't want
to walk home with you
through the woods
you touch my hair
and ask for more
I scrape off bark from trees
and say I love you
but not tonight
full moon sleep deep
and protect me from myself
cover my tracks
of selfish desire
me
you
and I want so much more
than this passion embrace
because when the bottle is empty
will you pay the price
and offer yourself
for me
will you tire
of gazing green eyes
and if my hair is gray
will you touch it still
like you want
to touch me here
if I ask too much
then leave me now
and pretend no more
your love is sincere
the truest of true
hot and sweat
clammy hands tell secrets
of my womanhood
I dare not let this body
leap ahead-I drudge behind
opposite directions
of the sexual revolution
boasting fulfillment
it lied
I refuse to live in haste
for a single bed
one room mobile home
in west Arizona
NO, I will not compromise
for your version of love
it swallows whole
and goes down choking
leaving only death and regret
to nourish aging bodies
can't we wait
can we not rise with the sun
like morning flowers
stare intently and partake
of a full course life
lying still at dusk
we who have watched the sunset
know the moon is yet to come

4-13-93

Divine Cleansing

Throw your sadness in the river,
cast your fears to the wind,
let the sea surround you now,
and drown your thoughts within.

My God will hold your innocence
like the stars held by the sky.
My God will give you purity
and wash your sore heart dry.

Glide down slow the river bed
cleanses the soul with pride.
Ocean waves can liberate
upon the rolling tide.

My God will soothe your pain
and comfort with the sound of rain.

4-7-93

Deadline

write another poem
they said
to meet the deadline

damn the deadline
my creative forces
are asleep today
I fear-I cannot wake
my artistic inner self
(don’t all artists flake out?)

I’ve been writing forever
on notebooks, napkins,
church bulletins (in place of sermon notes),
laundry boxes, book covers,
the back of my hand-
yet nothing screams
Quality Material!

where are my masterpieces
I formulated out of hours
of depression, anxiety,
infatuation and lust,
fear of death and sorrow?
where could they have gone to
while my imagination protected
the gates of my insecurity?

I know I have more to show-
somewhere…

damn the deadline
I have a poetic license
(wherever I put it last)

4-93

Color of Love

purpledye hands
you had that morning
the stain of truth
between you and I
restless soul talkedalot
I broke
and wide awake
at four am
we laughed 'till dawn
the earth quaked
held hands we
got lost in the freedom
of our security
don't shave your hair
only I wish I'd asked
if you could stop
two days to motherhood
my fading hope
in everything past us
don't go to Boston
I begged you stay
no, you were gone
before I could give
you gifts from back east
stop growing
stop leaving me
behind in my youth
you let love in
and he carried you
away to ever after
I want to dress up
gothicblackandapathy
you give too much
now to play independent
or carefree-on-my-own girl
no, I was there
I, your laughter and
gliterfunshape friend
listen to me now
I'll catch up soon
and know your nowreality
I'll be in your world
again I'll say we
love like God intends
this bridge of life
will reach again
over shallow waters
on to heavenly heights
we'll stand
together

3-31-93

Story of My Life

I don't feel like
calling my dad
he always wonders
why I don't spend
more time with him
I feel bad-but then
it's one too many
things to feel bad about
I bought another
Beatles album-Rubber Soul
I was born too late
and the boys in the tree house
want to play-but I can't
right now or ever
I need them to love
me or I take it wrong
I need always some-
thing more than what's
around or available
the story of my life
so what's the point?
I guess I can't say
or I might be forced
to explain my answer
and everyone knows
once I get started on
explaining myself-I forget
the point of my answer
I need a job again
I can't help it if
the economy has no
place for the non-skilled
story of my life

3-23-93

Velvet

velvet
you crushed me
I will not stand again
today

velvet
I called you
to run your fingers
across my soft dress
red-like fire

velvet
I hate him
pushing my arms open
I don't want to give
my silk flowers
away

velvet
you see me cry
I broke my silver ring
I want the lights turned on
the smoke and red dim
make me sick

velvet-
green, wide eyed and empty
I pressed my finger to your mouth
fearing your attack
while you slept
I ran wild

velvet
you turned again
taking the rivers with you
the same rivers once held me
from my own destruction
I float down stream
belly to the stars

velvet
keep away
I hate the clove smell
you always leave stained
on my hands
and fingernails
and my dress
and my shoes

velvet
in my room
I can see your face
on every wall and shelf
I kiss you
but I still don't know
I don't know you
and never will

velvet
I will stand again

3-21-93

I Locked The Door

Don't touch me-
your icy hands
chill my body
defenseless.

Invasion of security-
I never wanted this.
Helplessly I lie frozen
in your wintry grasp.

Dark room,
curtains always closed-
you never say a word,
or I just can't hear you
or remember.

Silently, I pray
I can escape this chill-
move on to spring
where flowers bloom
in the warm sun
of broad daylight.

I only know
this eternal winter
and the innocence
that dies here
forever.

So, please,
don't touch me
anymore.

3-14-93

For Jennifer

"Lean on me",
a phrase forgotten
as our boys turn men
and school days
now fill with snot
and Huggies diapers.
I still see you
lying on your lawn,
laughing at tomorrow.
Your grass has dried.
No more water fights,
the black pavement
burning our feet.
Jolt Cola can't bring
back the energy of youth,
but you might laugh-
if you heard me say
that skaters smile sexy.
It was our life, Jen.
Your green eyes
called the boys to slip
slowly into your arms.
We danced to songs
by the Cure in daylight.
"In Between Days"
have passed unnoticed.
"Why Can't I Be You"
I cried-I tried to be.
Thin fingers-so frail,
I feared callous boys
would snap and break
my girl-my best friend-
then. I let you go.
I lost you first
to jealousy and lust.
Such flirtatious eyes,
forest green innocence.
Gold rings on golden skin-
I swear I didn't steal.
I don't know why
you agreed to stick
by me in the end.
So soon, I forgot.
I only saw bikinis
and a hundred plus ten
of your perfect pounds.
I ignored your loyalty.
Kissing freckled face boys,
you invited me
to try out life,
beer and cigarettes
in the beach bathroom.
We spent endless hours
soaking in the sun,
flirting and faking smiles
to countless boys
we had yet to meet.
They caught on
to our scheming
and pushed us hard
against the bedpost
of our fading youth.
We had to choose
to run or to give in.
The sky grew darker
on your dried up grass.
My feet got too hot-
so I ran for my life!
I should have looked
back to see you stayed
behind. My Jennifer,
smile skater style.

3-11-93

the sleeper

you lie in a room
ten by ten
hundred feet squared
in the corner-a bed
sunken mattress
cigarette stains
ashes waiting to fall
you sleep
oh, sleep
my lonely love
in a room
sleep tonight
and every night
soiled floor
soiled clothes
you wore yesterday
still smell of smoke
say always say
you'll quit
broken chair
you never use
I'll fix, love
the windows
are closed
to the world outside
you know too well
sleep long, my love
sleep deep

3-5-93

Happy Drunk

Like the wine I drink,
you quench my need.
From your vine of love
I take my feed.
It's no wonder they say
I'm bound to be spoiled,
when so happily I live
in your branches coiled.
Intoxicated with you,
I'm lost in your trance.
Such a lovely song sung
to a tune that we dance.
In our garden of love,
together our vines twist.
Eternally I will drink
of your heaven like kiss.

3-4-93

The Blame

Damn this world!
Damn this body of mine,
constantly desiring immortality.
I am always fighting against
everything I believe in.
Forever, I ask myself
why I can't do right.
Damn society-
taunting my lust for acceptance,
pushing my heart to give in.
People with their pseudo freedom
gnaw at my resistance until it bleeds.
Damn religion for judging me
without considering my pain.
Damn their publicized pain
and circle of outward elite
while their children live
in the arms of a laughing world.
I'm not trying to avoid the blame-
I know my world
and God who protects me.
I just wish
I could do things right
and be a child
my Father could be proud of.

2-20-93

You Keep Me

Oh, to live
in your eyes approval!
To know in your heart,
you keep me.
To know behind that smile
is the purest of love
just for me.
To hear your voice
call my name
and watch your lips
call to me
is to my soul
the sweetest song.
Just to feel
your hand in mine
is all the answers
I need to know.
To live desired
by one such as you
lies the whole key
to my heart.
To know you
like eagles
know the sky,
to need you
like the tide
needs the moon,
would be my destiny.
I'd be your joy
and your love.
I'd be your anger
and your pain.
I would be everything
for you,
if you only ask of me.

2-20-93

Corrupted Heart

I never claimed to know you
I just wanted to love you
And if you looked into my heart
And saw all the hate
That has corrupted me
Would you turn away
Would you say you never knew me?
I can see you aren't interested
In my basic intellect
I can see you just want warmth
Like the sun warms your skin
And you want to know strength
Like a river rushing toward the sea
I want to offer you treasure
But you have all you desire
I want to crush your fear
But you say you need me more
It's not how I planned
It's not the life I expected
But then how could I have known
That I'd end up here
With my face to the ground
And my arms around you
I'm sorry if you need me to
I'm anything at all
I'll say that I love you
But I know it's not enough
You can get that anywhere
It's me that needs you more

1-18-93