I don't want
to call you up
you stepped
on my shoe
and looked up at me
from the ground
smiling
as if you never
get enough attention
once so green
you picked me out
my biggest fan
you always took time
but time was not
on our sides
you gathered stars
I gathered space
I began to look in
you were being looked at
take an aggressive pose
as the light shines
and I thought you
were the passive type
your shirt slides low
I have the feeling
I am not the only one
you turn your eyes for
shy liar or
is it revenge
because I did not
notice you before
I am not a fan
I thought you were sweet
and I was
the salty type
now you're a crowd
and I am anti-social
get you out of mind
because you're teasing
and I am a hunter
didn't think
you would learn
a game like this
I stepped
on your shoe
you have
nice legs
11-25-95
Drive For You (for Tristen)
I will take the wheel.
Can I tell your secrets?
Didn't have my license
but you had a car.
You were laughing-
I was far too serious.
Dye my hair black-dye yours-
you drove me home.
Always changing clothes-
I kept my jeans on,
you want to take a drive.
Five years are nothing
but exits we took
along the way.
I was starving- you cried
too many times to count.
You cleaned up behind
my tragedies.
I waited outside your lonely
afterthought.
We took the long way down
highway one. February was cold.
You said you'd rather take
the passenger side.
Pack a couple of bags for me-
six or eight for you-
sneak out, three a.m.
buy me lunch- I swear one day
I'll pay for all I owe.
You spoiled this white trash.
Did I ever deserve, your hospitality?
Explain your thoughts again.
I promise to be solid.
I will not slip like others
tend to slip away.
I must drive with intensity-
you must defend.
Such a woman to me,
strong through the bone.
I'll take to the road
and hope you need me still.
Let's make plans, don't be late,
watch tv, take a drive.
11-15-95
Can I tell your secrets?
Didn't have my license
but you had a car.
You were laughing-
I was far too serious.
Dye my hair black-dye yours-
you drove me home.
Always changing clothes-
I kept my jeans on,
you want to take a drive.
Five years are nothing
but exits we took
along the way.
I was starving- you cried
too many times to count.
You cleaned up behind
my tragedies.
I waited outside your lonely
afterthought.
We took the long way down
highway one. February was cold.
You said you'd rather take
the passenger side.
Pack a couple of bags for me-
six or eight for you-
sneak out, three a.m.
buy me lunch- I swear one day
I'll pay for all I owe.
You spoiled this white trash.
Did I ever deserve, your hospitality?
Explain your thoughts again.
I promise to be solid.
I will not slip like others
tend to slip away.
I must drive with intensity-
you must defend.
Such a woman to me,
strong through the bone.
I'll take to the road
and hope you need me still.
Let's make plans, don't be late,
watch tv, take a drive.
11-15-95
Suppose
I am telling secrets;
want to listen?
I am giving out
and giving in,
without giving up.
If you sit quiet,
you may hear it.
If you stop still-
you might know.
I often admire
the way you speak
and the shift
in your voice
when you get serious.
Suppose, I let you in
and kept you close;
would you stay real
as free as you are.
Suppose your confidence
became my confidence-
would my strength have depth
and your depth have strength?
You lock up
never too safe,
but what you leave
left open tells more
to me than words.
I am telling secrets
not for just anyone
to understand,
but suppose you do-
would you try to keep
me.
11-9-95
want to listen?
I am giving out
and giving in,
without giving up.
If you sit quiet,
you may hear it.
If you stop still-
you might know.
I often admire
the way you speak
and the shift
in your voice
when you get serious.
Suppose, I let you in
and kept you close;
would you stay real
as free as you are.
Suppose your confidence
became my confidence-
would my strength have depth
and your depth have strength?
You lock up
never too safe,
but what you leave
left open tells more
to me than words.
I am telling secrets
not for just anyone
to understand,
but suppose you do-
would you try to keep
me.
11-9-95
Come To Me
as I lay down
on this barren floor
I slip into this solitude
where my clothes refuse
to comfort me
like you refused
to comfort me
but you would say
I never asked
and I would say
you never listened
and I am always wondering
what it might be
if I were the one
to leave this time
open the door
and not look behind
to walk on through
to those secret places
where the lost go
but I am always still here
and I always keep
and I always hold a little tighter
abandoning isn't my style
what it might be
if I were the one
to be pursued
and sought out sometime
grab a hold
come to me
give in
am I worth it
take the risk
but you hardly tried
then I say
I'd rather be alone
as I lay down
on this familiar floor
11-4-95
on this barren floor
I slip into this solitude
where my clothes refuse
to comfort me
like you refused
to comfort me
but you would say
I never asked
and I would say
you never listened
and I am always wondering
what it might be
if I were the one
to leave this time
open the door
and not look behind
to walk on through
to those secret places
where the lost go
but I am always still here
and I always keep
and I always hold a little tighter
abandoning isn't my style
what it might be
if I were the one
to be pursued
and sought out sometime
grab a hold
come to me
give in
am I worth it
take the risk
but you hardly tried
then I say
I'd rather be alone
as I lay down
on this familiar floor
11-4-95
beautiful lie
this beautiful lie
the one I love to hear
the one you love to say
and we both believe
you're such the one
to give your heart whole
and in large portions
but I can't give myself
to something which really
does not exist
but in our minds
these beautiful words
damn good intentions
I need to believe
you needed me
for a while or eight years
it seems we could
have it all if we tried
you lived a separate reality
and I always dreamed
of what you promised
in our hearts
we sincerely held tight
to the beautiful lie
you and me
if the mountains crumbled...
well, you know the dream
could you name the ways
or describe my details
do you say my name
to everyone you meet
is my heart familiar ground
or do you only see
what you want to see
I cannot say I know
I can't recite your motions
but must this go
full circle round
must you still speak
of a love so deep
we become legend
in our time
destiny and fate
the things I want
so much to need
if the sun refused-
please, stop teasing
let my heart go
don't know what you need
what I need
will there still be
you and me
11-1-95
the one I love to hear
the one you love to say
and we both believe
you're such the one
to give your heart whole
and in large portions
but I can't give myself
to something which really
does not exist
but in our minds
these beautiful words
damn good intentions
I need to believe
you needed me
for a while or eight years
it seems we could
have it all if we tried
you lived a separate reality
and I always dreamed
of what you promised
in our hearts
we sincerely held tight
to the beautiful lie
you and me
if the mountains crumbled...
well, you know the dream
could you name the ways
or describe my details
do you say my name
to everyone you meet
is my heart familiar ground
or do you only see
what you want to see
I cannot say I know
I can't recite your motions
but must this go
full circle round
must you still speak
of a love so deep
we become legend
in our time
destiny and fate
the things I want
so much to need
if the sun refused-
please, stop teasing
let my heart go
don't know what you need
what I need
will there still be
you and me
11-1-95
Need To Impress
than to impress you
all I attempt
is your approval
you're not looking
as I perform
this well written scene
have you not
an idea of my demise
you're so there
and I'm so here
be myself, I'm told
but there is so
much more to me
than I am able to show
every moment spent
can't do too much
can't do enough
there is a door
to my soul-I'd allow
you to enter
even if you don't want
to pay the toll
it's just an offer
of love and sorrow
somehow I know
you'd understand
it doesn't have to mean
anymore than this
need to impress
will you please
look at me now
10-31-95
The Five Millionth Poem To You
No lie-I can say
You are my favorite theme
Our conversations
My hopes, your dreams
I'll hate you with a passion
I'll twist you into shape
Just how I need you to be
My greatest fears
And highest aspirations
End up here in you
Maybe I don't know
Or you're my oldest friend
Maybe I need you
In ways I must explain
Each way is the same
When it comes to the pen
My favorite idea
My topic of choice
I think about you all the time
It seem my world
Consists of only two
My favorite conversation
10-31-95
You are my favorite theme
Our conversations
My hopes, your dreams
I'll hate you with a passion
I'll twist you into shape
Just how I need you to be
My greatest fears
And highest aspirations
End up here in you
Maybe I don't know
Or you're my oldest friend
Maybe I need you
In ways I must explain
Each way is the same
When it comes to the pen
My favorite idea
My topic of choice
I think about you all the time
It seem my world
Consists of only two
My favorite conversation
10-31-95
Take Me, I'm Yours
take me wrong
go ahead
you're dying to do it
wrap me up
in your prepackaged ideas
standing target
for the lies
you need to prove
I can't be
just who I am
to you
take me wrong
do not justify
take me through
your wild imagination
no time for truth
your agenda is full
never stop
think about possibilities
take me right
without scandal
but you are far below that
take me wrong
go on, you're dying
just do it
10-17-95
go ahead
you're dying to do it
wrap me up
in your prepackaged ideas
standing target
for the lies
you need to prove
I can't be
just who I am
to you
take me wrong
do not justify
take me through
your wild imagination
no time for truth
your agenda is full
never stop
think about possibilities
take me right
without scandal
but you are far below that
take me wrong
go on, you're dying
just do it
10-17-95
David & Jamie
Missing my boys-
David and Jamie.
A loyalty come by surprise.
Hoping to impress-
take them out late
very late
at night.
Blue moon
...light on the water,
pretending
strut them like a prize.
How could I resist
a crush-
Passionate boy full
to the top
wild life, a man of means,
too serious-too young(I still won't tell)
he surrounds himself with photographs
my face on his guitar
how could I love you more?
My boys-rent-a-date
the fatal combination
we share life and cigarettes
debate the rumors
of a Denny's daymenu.
Again I fell
infatuated with
animated boy-could charm the fire's of hell
with his gentle eyes
and smile larger than life itself.
Fearless boy would climb a mountain
just to get a laugh
such innocence and depth
I know lies behind his wall
of smart-ass remarks. (Thank you for being faithful,
even if you forgot.)
My boys, you took me in
with your open arms.
I didn't know.
I thought I was the one always knocking
two blocks down-waiting
hoping you'd come out.
Let's go for a drive-
Utah-Colorado?
Seattle, Washington state.
We'll turn the radio up
roll the windows down-
the world is at our feet.
The night is always young,
my favorite boys,
and so are we.
10-10-95
David and Jamie.
A loyalty come by surprise.
Hoping to impress-
take them out late
very late
at night.
Blue moon
...light on the water,
pretending
strut them like a prize.
How could I resist
a crush-
Passionate boy full
to the top
wild life, a man of means,
too serious-too young(I still won't tell)
he surrounds himself with photographs
my face on his guitar
how could I love you more?
My boys-rent-a-date
the fatal combination
we share life and cigarettes
debate the rumors
of a Denny's daymenu.
Again I fell
infatuated with
animated boy-could charm the fire's of hell
with his gentle eyes
and smile larger than life itself.
Fearless boy would climb a mountain
just to get a laugh
such innocence and depth
I know lies behind his wall
of smart-ass remarks. (Thank you for being faithful,
even if you forgot.)
My boys, you took me in
with your open arms.
I didn't know.
I thought I was the one always knocking
two blocks down-waiting
hoping you'd come out.
Let's go for a drive-
Utah-Colorado?
Seattle, Washington state.
We'll turn the radio up
roll the windows down-
the world is at our feet.
The night is always young,
my favorite boys,
and so are we.
10-10-95
Just Cause
why am I still reaching
so used to reaching
I forgot
so sorry
I forgot why I hold on
with all my might
my perfect intentions
this will last forever
but then again
I lost something
sometime ago...
I wish I knew
what I am fighting for
embraced so hard
this frail cause
and we sit silent
on the telephone
I hear the same words
as nineteen eighty-nine
I've made too many promises
paved great loyalties
but we have to hang up
sooner or later
but the thought holds on
that we will never fade
but we elude ourselves
by the miles and years
out growing our memories
we can make it forever
but what, after all
do we have to make
10-9-95
so used to reaching
I forgot
so sorry
I forgot why I hold on
with all my might
my perfect intentions
this will last forever
but then again
I lost something
sometime ago...
I wish I knew
what I am fighting for
embraced so hard
this frail cause
and we sit silent
on the telephone
I hear the same words
as nineteen eighty-nine
I've made too many promises
paved great loyalties
but we have to hang up
sooner or later
but the thought holds on
that we will never fade
but we elude ourselves
by the miles and years
out growing our memories
we can make it forever
but what, after all
do we have to make
10-9-95
freak show
I am bent on-seduction
my intentions
my clean heart
I need your hands
and your breath
I believe for now
in this sense of motion
it will wait
rise above
immerse yourself
slide across this
destiny to coincide
with my reactions
am I wrong
if you need it more
each minute
crucial to impact
reside out of limits
there are so many things
I wish I could say out loud
what it means
if you read in to it
but you need to want it
or care enough to try
will I always have to
initiate or will you
if I am right
then it will make
a thousand faithful
change all directions
and you and I
just might believe
9-13-95
my intentions
my clean heart
I need your hands
and your breath
I believe for now
in this sense of motion
it will wait
rise above
immerse yourself
slide across this
destiny to coincide
with my reactions
am I wrong
if you need it more
each minute
crucial to impact
reside out of limits
there are so many things
I wish I could say out loud
what it means
if you read in to it
but you need to want it
or care enough to try
will I always have to
initiate or will you
if I am right
then it will make
a thousand faithful
change all directions
and you and I
just might believe
9-13-95
Kriptonite
there is no
sure foot step
without holding on
boys-sex smeared smiles
and this deniable truth
of wanting it all
I am obsessed
warped & beyond repair
it would take
a thousand meaningless nights
to make it matter
sickening thought
revolting need
you were wrong
and I am leaving
before they collide
my want & need
love & lust
they are not the same
and God help me
if I allow so much
I am destined to choose
I am destined to fail
burn out
flicker fire-fly
as if we could make it happen
I ask
and sometimes answer
touch me & die
touch me now
or I walk out
you are not possible
we kindred say
all we ever needed was love
maybe a good friend
who doesn't ask
or expect
just give & takes
as natural as the sun
but for now
I accept
whatever I get
open eyes, empty heart
there is no vulnerability
I am too aware
I divide my own lines
so there can be no mistake
9-6-95
sure foot step
without holding on
boys-sex smeared smiles
and this deniable truth
of wanting it all
I am obsessed
warped & beyond repair
it would take
a thousand meaningless nights
to make it matter
sickening thought
revolting need
you were wrong
and I am leaving
before they collide
my want & need
love & lust
they are not the same
and God help me
if I allow so much
I am destined to choose
I am destined to fail
burn out
flicker fire-fly
as if we could make it happen
I ask
and sometimes answer
touch me & die
touch me now
or I walk out
you are not possible
we kindred say
all we ever needed was love
maybe a good friend
who doesn't ask
or expect
just give & takes
as natural as the sun
but for now
I accept
whatever I get
open eyes, empty heart
there is no vulnerability
I am too aware
I divide my own lines
so there can be no mistake
9-6-95
Answering Machine
Once again-
I rationalize you
into nothing.
You telephoned,
so considerate-
no, just bored
very lonely.
Like me.
You said it's love.
I say desperation
& convenient.
Am I worth it?
dreamer
romantic
very impractical
Leave me alone-
everyone does.
Looking for a spark
chemical reaction.
There is a block
on the fuse,
need extra spice.
You're pushing-
I'm pulling-
I'm pushing-
You're gone...
Did I do something wrong?
Fuck me if you can.
Isn't it love?
Isn't it fate?
The moon & the stars aligned.
I can capture.
I can make you stay.
I can hold you close.
I can live the dream.
You are not...
You are not the one.
I can go on.
It's not too late.
Sure...
9-5-95
I rationalize you
into nothing.
You telephoned,
so considerate-
no, just bored
very lonely.
Like me.
You said it's love.
I say desperation
& convenient.
Am I worth it?
dreamer
romantic
very impractical
Leave me alone-
everyone does.
Looking for a spark
chemical reaction.
There is a block
on the fuse,
need extra spice.
You're pushing-
I'm pulling-
I'm pushing-
You're gone...
Did I do something wrong?
Fuck me if you can.
Isn't it love?
Isn't it fate?
The moon & the stars aligned.
I can capture.
I can make you stay.
I can hold you close.
I can live the dream.
You are not...
You are not the one.
I can go on.
It's not too late.
Sure...
9-5-95
Moral Box
explain these motivations
tired of waiting
ready as I'll ever be
is there a difference
before or after
the document signed
a promise is as good
as it is kept
not as it is expressed
my moral understanding
pried open like a box
locked and sealed
produced by the company
well thought and well intended
but useless now
can't guarantee forever
even if you follow the instructions
write your own script
after reading countless others
the grounds are there
stick your feet in
then submerge yourself
I am an entrance exam
pass or fail me
you have been tested
8-21-95
tired of waiting
ready as I'll ever be
is there a difference
before or after
the document signed
a promise is as good
as it is kept
not as it is expressed
my moral understanding
pried open like a box
locked and sealed
produced by the company
well thought and well intended
but useless now
can't guarantee forever
even if you follow the instructions
write your own script
after reading countless others
the grounds are there
stick your feet in
then submerge yourself
I am an entrance exam
pass or fail me
you have been tested
8-21-95
In Between Days
it's not a good day
to be a woman
no, it's not that time again
just another day
tricking the complexity
and feeling without motive
third time's a charm
but I lost count
it's not a good day
to want the impossible
stretching arms tire
and brittle hearts break
there is a smile
on my face
if you look real hard
my limits are sliding
but you aren't a catcher
am I alone in this
well, I can take it harder
it's not a good day
to be a wisher
these hopes
these wants
these desires
the reacher is denied
you can count the stars
if you have time
I am counting cracks
mapping across my soul
damn
I have too much free time
8-17-95
to be a woman
no, it's not that time again
just another day
tricking the complexity
and feeling without motive
third time's a charm
but I lost count
it's not a good day
to want the impossible
stretching arms tire
and brittle hearts break
there is a smile
on my face
if you look real hard
my limits are sliding
but you aren't a catcher
am I alone in this
well, I can take it harder
it's not a good day
to be a wisher
these hopes
these wants
these desires
the reacher is denied
you can count the stars
if you have time
I am counting cracks
mapping across my soul
damn
I have too much free time
8-17-95
My Pathetic Situation
Are you suspecting
I doubt it
As I sit shedding
and drinking
I wonder what
I can do to make
you want me
When I'm missing
no one is looking
so I go unfound
My eyes open
I need a ticket
would you validate
you won't
is there a point
am I transparent
does this mean
we aren't even friends
Damn, I hate pity
my pathetic situation
being fourteen again
Low self image
my words are plain
and boring as hell
You forgot because
it is easy
to not remember
someone as obvious
and desperate
I wish I could
stop trying to give
the benefit of the doubt
8-6-95
I doubt it
As I sit shedding
and drinking
I wonder what
I can do to make
you want me
When I'm missing
no one is looking
so I go unfound
My eyes open
I need a ticket
would you validate
you won't
is there a point
am I transparent
does this mean
we aren't even friends
Damn, I hate pity
my pathetic situation
being fourteen again
Low self image
my words are plain
and boring as hell
You forgot because
it is easy
to not remember
someone as obvious
and desperate
I wish I could
stop trying to give
the benefit of the doubt
8-6-95
Troubled To Ask
with your guts all out
in the open like you've seen
the dark of the day
Have you always been prying
inside, speaking out
what many hold out
I knew before I could
recognize with my eyes
you'd stare right through
my empty hands
to my overloaded soul
But you sang instead
of God and His love,
of promises I won't
choose to believe
I hoped you'd assume
I was already free
but you were not aroused
nor troubled to ask
if I too was beyond all this
I know you don't have
what you want inside
She- is still an observation
I can relate- He is still-
an outside observation
I, too, can contemplate
His glory, His mystery
but He has left me
with only myself to blame
A point which I will not receive
God knows, I've tried
five years and frustration haunted
my conscience- I am only
what HE has made me
So, sing of distance,
sing of battles lost and won,
keep painting the picture
of truth to a dying world
Compassion is your true gift
I say, it's all good
In my short years
I've yet to hear
a better cause for hope
than the promise of new life
But can they be to blame
if they won't receive
If their scars kill hope
and His Words do not purge
and all He has made abandons Him
I would not blame the creature
Please forgive my words
I don't mean every suggestion
I just feel they ought to be said
And if you write to heal
or to spread out the light
I write to ask forgiveness
for the things I have not done
I write to trouble, hoping
in the end, for His attention
I am the white sheep,
lost in the flock,
wishing He'd seek me out
I am the son who stayed home
longing still for my Father's love
Of all the words you've sang to me
I know these ones the best
"She speaks so much of what she means-
right outside her words..."
But I did not choose the fall
I was born into it
I do not blame me
do you...
7-15-95
Obvious Speed Limit
I can get away
from you faster
than you can
get away from me
it's only an instant
difference-but
it's all the difference
in the world
because I can
see it coming
a million miles ahead
I can get away
before the collision
before the drive-by
and all the lies revealed
you don't know
how it is for me
to wake up everyday
and wish it wasn't
another day at all
you and me aren't
anything as long
as we agree
something could come
between these dreams
I can get away
from you faster
as if you never
knew I was there
at all
I can get away
and move on
next step in line
it's all in pace
with the modern times
I drag nothing behind
and everything besides
if we are too much
for all these sincere
people to understand
maybe it's just because
they have narrow minds
I can get away
faster than you
can leave me alone
would everyone disagree
still if we all
had the same definitions
but who wants
to share that much
personal information
I can get away
just remember that
3-20-95
from you faster
than you can
get away from me
it's only an instant
difference-but
it's all the difference
in the world
because I can
see it coming
a million miles ahead
I can get away
before the collision
before the drive-by
and all the lies revealed
you don't know
how it is for me
to wake up everyday
and wish it wasn't
another day at all
you and me aren't
anything as long
as we agree
something could come
between these dreams
I can get away
from you faster
as if you never
knew I was there
at all
I can get away
and move on
next step in line
it's all in pace
with the modern times
I drag nothing behind
and everything besides
if we are too much
for all these sincere
people to understand
maybe it's just because
they have narrow minds
I can get away
faster than you
can leave me alone
would everyone disagree
still if we all
had the same definitions
but who wants
to share that much
personal information
I can get away
just remember that
3-20-95
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