In A Jar

So you think I was waiting
my whole life for this
hoping and lying wide awake
one moment
you can be so wrong
and I’m still walking
through the halls
looking for an open door
you think I was wishing
all the time for this
god, I look like shit
but my hands smell nice
I could sell my emptiness
a dollar a jar
I am not waiting
I am not shaking
I just don’t have the time
you think I was writing
everything down
immortalize your memory
as if it meant that much to me
why do I keep smiling
at all the pretty faces
those happy people
it doesn’t touch me
(I am lying now)

10-22-96

Tennis Shoes

I used to think you should
try my shoes sometime
but you would just say
they were too small
I used to love that
the way you’d make me
want to be bigger
but now my feet swim
I want my own size
it’s not funny anymore
how I look in your mirror
you should look in mine
you don’t reflect me
I need my laces tied
I love my shoes
they fit my feet
they hold my weight
they know the way I walk
I’ve past the point
of learning from this experience
I walk away form here
in my old school tennis shoes

10-20-96

part two

I WANT TO FEEL BIG
power over, control
Stop that tone of voice
"oh, no..."
SHUT UP
focus on my grammar
english Fucking major
listen harder
these quiet words drop
through the wires
lost
Super highway
I have to go now
"okay"
Wrong Answer
or did you decide
value, importance
I lost
nothing technically
I ever had
I just wanted to talk
just have conversation
screwed us both again
but you get away
unscarred
never being cut
I WANT TO FEEL GOOD
value, important
"I'm pretty good at
[value judgments]"
graduated yourself, huh?
Fascinating
I miss my words
give them all back
you don't need
ANYTHING, right?
I have some of your things
shrapnel
thanks
I love scars
push a little harder
I want this to be
a good one

10-4-96

Frozen Food

I’m waiting for you
to find me this time
as I stand
by the frozen juices
I'm trying to pass time
looking preoccupied
is harder than it seems
I think of sex
or something consuming
other than my chilly friends
I try to wander
looking lost
which isn't hard
at this time
I search the magazines
for my new crush
"is he really sixteen?"
they wonder
I should care
but his eyes
still cry "sorrow"
or some sad word
that attracts me every time
those dark and brooding boys
I can't get over
are you looking
I can't give in
I always do
you look at nail polish
or lipstick
anything but me
oh well, I should care
but I want to say goodnight
with the porch light on
and you see me off
without a sigh
you look just like me
my green coat from behind
some things are just better
if you never take them home
sleep peacefully
in your lover's arms
I leave alone every time

10-2-96