part one

you make my handwriting ugly
my words sound idiotic
I hate you for everything
you're so cruel
as I button up, I think
I should have kept it on
then I never want
to speak to you again
(unless you call first)
but whose looking now
I'm sick
good word
don't you think
sick
I didn't throw up
but I ran away
I turned before
the moment got too close
desperately pretty
in a non-beautiful way
what does that mean
I got far better secrets
you'll never know
I can't talk to you
the way I always need
the way I constantly feel
more and more
sick
I'm so sick
you lied
I like to tell myself that often

9- 28-96

Tile

you looked so small
lying face down
against the kitchen floor
I asked you to come
here this way
the closer to the tiles
the less you are above me
all my fears are
sleeping in the bathroom
can we become
anyone we want
my fate decided, anyway,
not to speak in person
it's all in the carpet
your fingernails and such
I am a pedestrian too
are you listening?
I want to make you come
even if you want to go
learned some new tricks
to make the boys sweat
you will not be
my pride and joy
I'm going to go sober
without my inhibitions
do you want to come?
we can watch them
as they sleep tight
and kiss their eyelids,
smell the space between
his hair and his ears
did I forget to say
it's all about me
you can't see me bare
I want to pretend
there is something
you still don't know
the answer is obvious
I want everything I can
I want to smear
out all the edges
and make myself smile
you want to see inside
the doors I've slept through
my house is too small
and my teeth are too long
my toys are boring
you would be tired
sleep with me
I will not turn
or say "goodnight, joe"
you can leave as soon
as it occurs to you
there wasn't anything
that could have been useful
in your quest for power
I am not offended
I still want you to come
is that bad?

9-1-96