Send My Regards Too

her purple shoes
make me too sad
I hear you talking
the way your voice gets
sort of telling-secrets-low
creeping up behind my neck
I’m wearing your mothers coat
and your favorite scarf
I’m so damn cold
open the windows
check for all the burglars
I’m never tired of this
Casey’s on his way
I see them hanging
big velvet shoes
so very shoe-ish
in their shoe like way
sorry, I hate
those beautiful shoes
I want to kiss her feet
I touch the top of your hand
fingers crossed paths
I’m an adult now
in my dress up clothes
you used to be bigger
white-pant pony boy
every moment is only
an inside joke
city college freak
I’m walking downstairs
is it okay
is it really okay
I got to go
the best thing you ever said
to me was
“you’re envelope is bulging”
thanks a million
I can leave now
she’s having trouble
adjusting to the soles

12-21-96

Dead Skin

I tried to get all this dead
skin off my face
my new face underneath
every morning scrub
it ends up in the towels
and in my fingernails
my beauty was always there
I always knew
I’m trying not to address
him in my inky pen
use impersonal distant pronouns
I’ve been avoiding myself
you (there, I give in)
still expose my secrets
six months past I can
begin to hate you again, but
your impassive stare
leaves silence only
you kill my words
my dead skin
my dead heart
my imperfect face I will fight
you everyday in the mirror
maybe I choose to be vain

11-96

In A Jar

So you think I was waiting
my whole life for this
hoping and lying wide awake
one moment
you can be so wrong
and I’m still walking
through the halls
looking for an open door
you think I was wishing
all the time for this
god, I look like shit
but my hands smell nice
I could sell my emptiness
a dollar a jar
I am not waiting
I am not shaking
I just don’t have the time
you think I was writing
everything down
immortalize your memory
as if it meant that much to me
why do I keep smiling
at all the pretty faces
those happy people
it doesn’t touch me
(I am lying now)

10-22-96

Tennis Shoes

I used to think you should
try my shoes sometime
but you would just say
they were too small
I used to love that
the way you’d make me
want to be bigger
but now my feet swim
I want my own size
it’s not funny anymore
how I look in your mirror
you should look in mine
you don’t reflect me
I need my laces tied
I love my shoes
they fit my feet
they hold my weight
they know the way I walk
I’ve past the point
of learning from this experience
I walk away form here
in my old school tennis shoes

10-20-96

part two

I WANT TO FEEL BIG
power over, control
Stop that tone of voice
"oh, no..."
SHUT UP
focus on my grammar
english Fucking major
listen harder
these quiet words drop
through the wires
lost
Super highway
I have to go now
"okay"
Wrong Answer
or did you decide
value, importance
I lost
nothing technically
I ever had
I just wanted to talk
just have conversation
screwed us both again
but you get away
unscarred
never being cut
I WANT TO FEEL GOOD
value, important
"I'm pretty good at
[value judgments]"
graduated yourself, huh?
Fascinating
I miss my words
give them all back
you don't need
ANYTHING, right?
I have some of your things
shrapnel
thanks
I love scars
push a little harder
I want this to be
a good one

10-4-96

Frozen Food

I’m waiting for you
to find me this time
as I stand
by the frozen juices
I'm trying to pass time
looking preoccupied
is harder than it seems
I think of sex
or something consuming
other than my chilly friends
I try to wander
looking lost
which isn't hard
at this time
I search the magazines
for my new crush
"is he really sixteen?"
they wonder
I should care
but his eyes
still cry "sorrow"
or some sad word
that attracts me every time
those dark and brooding boys
I can't get over
are you looking
I can't give in
I always do
you look at nail polish
or lipstick
anything but me
oh well, I should care
but I want to say goodnight
with the porch light on
and you see me off
without a sigh
you look just like me
my green coat from behind
some things are just better
if you never take them home
sleep peacefully
in your lover's arms
I leave alone every time

10-2-96

part one

you make my handwriting ugly
my words sound idiotic
I hate you for everything
you're so cruel
as I button up, I think
I should have kept it on
then I never want
to speak to you again
(unless you call first)
but whose looking now
I'm sick
good word
don't you think
sick
I didn't throw up
but I ran away
I turned before
the moment got too close
desperately pretty
in a non-beautiful way
what does that mean
I got far better secrets
you'll never know
I can't talk to you
the way I always need
the way I constantly feel
more and more
sick
I'm so sick
you lied
I like to tell myself that often

9- 28-96

Tile

you looked so small
lying face down
against the kitchen floor
I asked you to come
here this way
the closer to the tiles
the less you are above me
all my fears are
sleeping in the bathroom
can we become
anyone we want
my fate decided, anyway,
not to speak in person
it's all in the carpet
your fingernails and such
I am a pedestrian too
are you listening?
I want to make you come
even if you want to go
learned some new tricks
to make the boys sweat
you will not be
my pride and joy
I'm going to go sober
without my inhibitions
do you want to come?
we can watch them
as they sleep tight
and kiss their eyelids,
smell the space between
his hair and his ears
did I forget to say
it's all about me
you can't see me bare
I want to pretend
there is something
you still don't know
the answer is obvious
I want everything I can
I want to smear
out all the edges
and make myself smile
you want to see inside
the doors I've slept through
my house is too small
and my teeth are too long
my toys are boring
you would be tired
sleep with me
I will not turn
or say "goodnight, joe"
you can leave as soon
as it occurs to you
there wasn't anything
that could have been useful
in your quest for power
I am not offended
I still want you to come
is that bad?

9-1-96

Happiest Girl

I am the happiest girl

special deliveries

my fingers are full

some days you can’t
get sick of sweets
coming from all sides
her smiles kills
you’re always bound
to make fun of me
I swear it doesn’t matter
dreaming all day long
I am not a scientist
or a poet or a rock star
or a million dollar man

but if her eyes shine

I am bound to be

the happiest girl

I am sliding out from

from under myself

my unaware is perfect

for the time being
we always have today

and keep it close, tight

wrapped in blankets
and hot chocolate kisses
are we just pretending
does it matter, I swear
I am the happiest girl

8-14-96

FREE BEER NIGHT

bored as fuck
you is what i want
to press tight
my finger down your
throat make me hotter
(i am so cold.)
i need my jeans off
on t.v. she sat
half naked waiting
the man would rather watch
you laughed, so i did too
at your little wiggle
or whatever it was
and that fucking face
you made on top of me
i could hardly watch
that fake shit
don't ask why while
you won't call
or kiss me in public
you keep going down
how funny you are to me
stop trying
(with your tongue out)
seriously though
you could go to hell
i guess i would care
but don't wait up
when i'm not there
this scene doesn't work
for me even while you
do it slow, down or-
behind your neck, where your
hair stops growing,
i will sleep there
push it back behind your ears
(to keep me warm)
and i might stay
if you stop moving
and give me something
to take home like
a towel or soap.

7-26-96

Cordial

i don’t want to be
friends anymore
you’re too polite
and sickly nice
it’s always considerate
if you ask first
would i mind
you have to go
i don’t care
you can leave
and never call
i’m through waiting
if you have time
i know, i know
you don’t mind
i just like to hear
all your stories
and you love to speak
you never ask
you never expect
you never give
more than you can
easy monthly installments
low maintenance
i just don’t want
your free time
i want you to pay
because i’m expensive
i’ve given out
way too many sales
if it doesn’t hurt
then don’t apologize
i need too much
i want everything
i deserve it all

7-26-96

Mail

i keep filling the spaces
with all your explanations
you don't fit in every crack
every pain doesn't get a band aid
she is singing
like she is crying
but i am not
hate your every word
all the gestures i justified
seem such a waste
my watch is too tight
and my nails never grow nicely
stupid KIDS
keep hitting and swearing
damage
i am doing fine
don't let the ice cream man come today
he asked
if i wanted a beer
he didn't know
how much i detest
that taste
so i left without saying no
without saying yes
i want to hear your voice
i called up a girl
her brother i met last year
answered the phone once
i don't know why
it is so important now
i liked him vaguely
the way he played
with the younger boys
i know you lied
i heard myself say
that same shit before
"you deserve so much better..."
you got your ideal
you are so selfish
focus on this
i'm still not ready to go
will we go back
or did i fuck up?
will you be impressed really
if i still want you now
if i haven't changed my mind
like you had so much to do
with the choice to begin with
the mail lady is here
i have to go
maybe there is something for me
you have to hope
at least once a day, you know.

5-10-96

Powerful

on another day,

I would love you more

but we’re so busy

and all I want

is to be powerful

in your mind

I want to be enormous

and I want you

to say to yourself

what a life worth living

what a love worth taking

but we’re so proud
and reluctant to admit
how vulnerable we are
how scared of stepping out
of our houses
of our routine days
on another day
I would touch you softly
I would whisper
all the words connected
to everything you are
on another day
you might know the answers
to my prying questions
but today we’re hiding
in the details of our duties
and the complexity
of the things above us
make us smaller than we really are

and our fears smother

all the things we long for

all the beauties

that exist inside us

on another day

I would believe

a little bit stronger

and you would speak

a little bit louder

and we will be

all together bigger

in all the lines

drawing out our images

will merge twisted

on another day

4-29-96

Overqualified

qualify me
will you please
explain yourself
the sweet voice
and gracious smile
should I move on
or be patient
are we beyond
all the deadlines
or is this wish
more than overdue
here for the taking
but no one has asked
why did you wait
outside my house
with a painful silence
before the usual kill
am I to assume
not to assume
you can read minds
how lost are you
even as much as I
qualify yourself
you leave you intentions
as vague as my words
I just want you here
and now as real
and as clear as the letters
on this page
qualify me
as good as you are

4-26-96

Sex & Mind

can I have your sex & mind
may these haunts of flesh & bone
merge spirit & ideal
fucking from a virgin seems so naive
a temporal menace
to accomplish your end
I want your heart on my plate
such selfish honesty, but
you won’t judge so hastily
be above be beyond
his tongue touching his lips
his cold hands beneath my hair
chilling my neck
I can play
drooping eyes brown like
sweet chocolate hair sharp
between my teeth I can
taste his substance
but not yours
you cloak every fiber with
an awkward gesture
hide your eyes hide your hair
keep your lips dry and small
give me nothing but your
long bones to stretch my eyes along
he wears his sex on his chest
your subtle sensuality comes
from your head
disguised as value
costumed in intellect
you call yourself a thinker
I call you a tease
his fingers reach out
to conquer his prey
you lash out questions
and I am your victim
can I have your sex & mind
I am no temptress I can not
be your splendor of ideals
but I must be yours
taste my heart pure
take my body as a sacrifice
take my hair between your
hands against your face
warm your mouth from my lips
look into my eyes to my mind
see my desire of thoughts
my unquenchable lust
for knowledge you
know me now

4-21-96