my urgency to need you
was never before such
a pulling of the heart strings
a grinding to the stop
signs of desperation
(we'd never call it that)
my urgency to leave you
flashlight to the stars
like salt pulled from water
so far I never would go
away to a desert island
of death is you no more
my urgency to be you
and every ounce I know
in all mirrors I see
you a reflection of myself
a completion like a puzzle
pieced from hands of love
my urgency to keep you
a desire known to few
like passion I must hold
these moment tight as ice
in a smooth perfect freeze
framed my body sweet inside
5-13-93
Sorrow's End
you teddybear eyes
tell me stay
and I will
go through the door-
way to a forest
of dreams I believe
the ending was a lie
too many pictures
parked cars-moonlight
drive the aching
from my soul and
forget about tomorrow
clench your fist in mine
it won't stop if we
add our names together
on an elm of age
I am sinking through
the soil-the earth
you planted your seed
I swallow hard
and pray I will never
wake from your embrace
I am smothered
with joy-you bastard
I smell your shirt
and cry for a child
entangle my soul
in your spinning eyes
I am lost inside
are you mine tonight
I can't help but pray
this really means
as much to you as me
I swear-only you
can destroy me, love
we blanket together
under a smiling sun
my headache ceases
and every nerve and fiber
in my body will release
when your lips touch mine
5-12-93
tell me stay
and I will
go through the door-
way to a forest
of dreams I believe
the ending was a lie
too many pictures
parked cars-moonlight
drive the aching
from my soul and
forget about tomorrow
clench your fist in mine
it won't stop if we
add our names together
on an elm of age
I am sinking through
the soil-the earth
you planted your seed
I swallow hard
and pray I will never
wake from your embrace
I am smothered
with joy-you bastard
I smell your shirt
and cry for a child
entangle my soul
in your spinning eyes
I am lost inside
are you mine tonight
I can't help but pray
this really means
as much to you as me
I swear-only you
can destroy me, love
we blanket together
under a smiling sun
my headache ceases
and every nerve and fiber
in my body will release
when your lips touch mine
5-12-93
Feline
You’re a rough boy
and around the edges
you sit and wait
for my response.
You cat
around like a tiger
and prowl through
my hair.
Soft purry paws
conceal razor claws,
and I am a lion tamer
trying to kitten
you out.
I extract your devotion.
offering myself as prey.
You always come back
for more.
5-12-93
and around the edges
you sit and wait
for my response.
You cat
around like a tiger
and prowl through
my hair.
Soft purry paws
conceal razor claws,
and I am a lion tamer
trying to kitten
you out.
I extract your devotion.
offering myself as prey.
You always come back
for more.
5-12-93
Slinky
Don't lash your eyes
at me, girl.
Voice dropping softly
like silk,
you caress his words
as he spreads his feathers
out like a kite in
a warm summer
breeze.
Your lip sticked adoration
is lapped up like a dog
by his fat ears,
aching for more.
I want to vomit
at the scene.
Turn the knob
and your direction
disgusted with yourself.
you seek my approval
like wet toilet paper
on my oily hands.
I say yes-
just dry up
and face out and away
from the past.
You so easily slip behind
like a slinky
you get tangled
in yourself.
You ask me or God
to untwist you
again.
I cannot promise
you will bounce back.
5-11-93
at me, girl.
Voice dropping softly
like silk,
you caress his words
as he spreads his feathers
out like a kite in
a warm summer
breeze.
Your lip sticked adoration
is lapped up like a dog
by his fat ears,
aching for more.
I want to vomit
at the scene.
Turn the knob
and your direction
disgusted with yourself.
you seek my approval
like wet toilet paper
on my oily hands.
I say yes-
just dry up
and face out and away
from the past.
You so easily slip behind
like a slinky
you get tangled
in yourself.
You ask me or God
to untwist you
again.
I cannot promise
you will bounce back.
5-11-93
I Build My House
I build my house of love
on my version of security.
I build my world-my life
on the things I can control,
things I create and mesh
tightly-
neatly-
good.
Tremble and shake-I die
in my house of locked doors,
locked up love-locked in.
I build my house of love
with hands unlearned-
stupid hands.
useless hands.
dry hands.
I build a house
I build a shelter
protect me from the storm-
no-from me and my blindness.
I turn
from God.
from salvation.
from peace.
Good news-good gospel.
I can't hear my call.
or His voice.
or any voice of those
whose intentions are true.
intentions of love.
I build silence.
My house, I build
to be destroyed.
to be swept away.
I build myself
out of nothing.
myself.
The evidence is plain-
I am no carpenter.
5-11-93
on my version of security.
I build my world-my life
on the things I can control,
things I create and mesh
tightly-
neatly-
good.
Tremble and shake-I die
in my house of locked doors,
locked up love-locked in.
I build my house of love
with hands unlearned-
stupid hands.
useless hands.
dry hands.
I build a house
I build a shelter
protect me from the storm-
no-from me and my blindness.
I turn
from God.
from salvation.
from peace.
Good news-good gospel.
I can't hear my call.
or His voice.
or any voice of those
whose intentions are true.
intentions of love.
I build silence.
My house, I build
to be destroyed.
to be swept away.
I build myself
out of nothing.
myself.
The evidence is plain-
I am no carpenter.
5-11-93
Well Deserved (for Dave)
I deserve to hate you,
and your nervous laughter,
the way you would pat my shoulder,
and roll your eyes
when you smiled.
I deserve to hate you
because you took me to Mammoth
and Yosemite Park.
You bought me clothes,
you bought me glasses,
and played guitar.
I deserve to hate you
because of the silver bracelet
you gave me with your name
inscribed in bold letters.
I deserve to hate you
because the last birthday card
you gave said
if I was up ate eight a.m.
you would take me to breakfast.
I slept in
because you never asked
me to love you,
but I did.
all to reach the point
of calling you my father.
I did and thanked God
for bringing you in my life.
I accepted you
and you imperfections.
I learned to give you respect.
I thought it was enough.
I wanted to need you
so I did.
And when I needed you to need me,
you walked out the door untouched.
I deserve to hate you
because it was all a waste of time.
5-11-93
and your nervous laughter,
the way you would pat my shoulder,
and roll your eyes
when you smiled.
I deserve to hate you
because you took me to Mammoth
and Yosemite Park.
You bought me clothes,
you bought me glasses,
and played guitar.
I deserve to hate you
because of the silver bracelet
you gave me with your name
inscribed in bold letters.
I deserve to hate you
because the last birthday card
you gave said
if I was up ate eight a.m.
you would take me to breakfast.
I slept in
because you never asked
me to love you,
but I did.
all to reach the point
of calling you my father.
I did and thanked God
for bringing you in my life.
I accepted you
and you imperfections.
I learned to give you respect.
I thought it was enough.
I wanted to need you
so I did.
And when I needed you to need me,
you walked out the door untouched.
I deserve to hate you
because it was all a waste of time.
5-11-93
Push
Being pushed out
and over the edge-
being pushed out
of a great big house
of memories-
the memories-
the damn memories.
Being pushed out
and over reason
being pushed out
of my bed-my closet-
my dresser drawers-
my drawers-
I put MY clothes here-
my clothes.
Being pushed out
passed doorways
I know blindfolded-
I memorized how far
the kitchen-the den
the bathroom-my room-
I know it all by heart.
Being pushed out
by my former father
forced to love-now hate
I hate you-
because I loved you
and this great big house-
damn house-damn you
damn the cold world
I have to live in.
This was my shelter-
this house-these walls
hid my imperfection-
my insecurity.
Being pushed out
and over the edge
she rejoices-the freedom
my mother-my mother
she will not be my walls-
she takes flight
free-Free-FREE
STOP
Don't push me out
don't look down-
don't touch my things-
and loss of love
don't touch-don't touch.
Being pushed out
I know the time
I want to forget
I want to remember
to hold on-hold on
I remember parties-laughter
remember broken windows
building shelves-together
painting walls-together
sitting down for dinner
(what a concept!)
we held hands- heads bowed
in union-bound by prayer
for our family-together
I still bow my head
but not for prayer
for shame-for regret
I cannot look at you
my previous-former father
I cannot meet your eyes
ever again
you tear down my walls
tear down-tear down.
5-5-93
and over the edge-
being pushed out
of a great big house
of memories-
the memories-
the damn memories.
Being pushed out
and over reason
being pushed out
of my bed-my closet-
my dresser drawers-
my drawers-
I put MY clothes here-
my clothes.
Being pushed out
passed doorways
I know blindfolded-
I memorized how far
the kitchen-the den
the bathroom-my room-
I know it all by heart.
Being pushed out
by my former father
forced to love-now hate
I hate you-
because I loved you
and this great big house-
damn house-damn you
damn the cold world
I have to live in.
This was my shelter-
this house-these walls
hid my imperfection-
my insecurity.
Being pushed out
and over the edge
she rejoices-the freedom
my mother-my mother
she will not be my walls-
she takes flight
free-Free-FREE
STOP
Don't push me out
don't look down-
don't touch my things-
and loss of love
don't touch-don't touch.
Being pushed out
I know the time
I want to forget
I want to remember
to hold on-hold on
I remember parties-laughter
remember broken windows
building shelves-together
painting walls-together
sitting down for dinner
(what a concept!)
we held hands- heads bowed
in union-bound by prayer
for our family-together
I still bow my head
but not for prayer
for shame-for regret
I cannot look at you
my previous-former father
I cannot meet your eyes
ever again
you tear down my walls
tear down-tear down.
5-5-93
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