Sunday morning-
I never thought
I'd see you here.
Quiet whispers
the fear of changing
this stillness.
In the place
where dreams collide
with reality,
I knew your name,
but couldn't find
the courage to ask
when you were leaving.
That was our moment;
in treasures of gold
they'll never find
such wealth to sip
like vintage wine.
Our love like a blanket
wrapped us tight-
your voice flowed
like a river
rushing through me.
My love, I swear
I'll never push
the way they will.
I swear as long
as this ocean moves
I'll love you
like the dawn
kisses morning-
and the night
parades the stars.
It's always the same
when close beside you-
these nightmares end
quiet whispers begin
on Sunday morning.
11-25-92
Numb
He calls to me loudly;
he shouts in the night
like a shrill siren
on a moonless night.
He is no gentleman
asking for shelter;
he is a madman,
dripping sweat
like a ravenous wolf.
He is faceless-
nameless-
without the shadows of a past.
He knows not beauty
or ambitions or sorts.
His only desire-
his only want-
is love...
only to be needed
by a woman named Peace,
to set sail on the sky
to uncharted stars,
and to feel the pain
of a man with a heart.
11-24-92
he shouts in the night
like a shrill siren
on a moonless night.
He is no gentleman
asking for shelter;
he is a madman,
dripping sweat
like a ravenous wolf.
He is faceless-
nameless-
without the shadows of a past.
He knows not beauty
or ambitions or sorts.
His only desire-
his only want-
is love...
only to be needed
by a woman named Peace,
to set sail on the sky
to uncharted stars,
and to feel the pain
of a man with a heart.
11-24-92
Inadequate
In faraway lands
she has escaped me.
Is there nothing I can do
to bring her back?
My arms could only go so far.
My legs could only run so fast.
This void eats away
at my heart
as every bite
becomes larger
until nothing
can possibly be left
to chew up.
Curse the love
which stole her!
Curse my heart
for loving too much-
for opening doors
with the knowledge
that they might be closed
and left vacant.
Curse the skies above
for being so vast
like this emptiness.
Curse the laughing moon;
how I hate the day
I promised him to you
ignorant to the chance
he would lead you another!
I curse these hands of mine
for ever letting go...
11-7-92
she has escaped me.
Is there nothing I can do
to bring her back?
My arms could only go so far.
My legs could only run so fast.
This void eats away
at my heart
as every bite
becomes larger
until nothing
can possibly be left
to chew up.
Curse the love
which stole her!
Curse my heart
for loving too much-
for opening doors
with the knowledge
that they might be closed
and left vacant.
Curse the skies above
for being so vast
like this emptiness.
Curse the laughing moon;
how I hate the day
I promised him to you
ignorant to the chance
he would lead you another!
I curse these hands of mine
for ever letting go...
11-7-92
Love, Fear, and Irony
A prisoner held captive by your love-
I was your only source of life.
You clung to me like a child,
And my heart melted into your eyes.
You drank my strength like water
And poured me out for more.
We knew no other light of day
Than the world we built together-
An island for the lost at sea,
Hand clenched, we'd face eternity.
My child, I do admit with much restrain,
At times I could wish, "No more!"
But my lips would never form
Those words you assumed to hear.
Alas, my heart would sooner face
A blanket on unearthly disaster.
Now the tables have turned upside down,
And I have become a pleading slave,
Longing to quench this cursed thirst
As Fate's laughter rings clear.
All that I wanted and all that I had
Left to join their unfinished circle,
And I on the outside sit speechless,
Knowing to try to change the forces at hand
Would only then cast me farther out
Within a role without an understudy.
10-15-92
I was your only source of life.
You clung to me like a child,
And my heart melted into your eyes.
You drank my strength like water
And poured me out for more.
We knew no other light of day
Than the world we built together-
An island for the lost at sea,
Hand clenched, we'd face eternity.
My child, I do admit with much restrain,
At times I could wish, "No more!"
But my lips would never form
Those words you assumed to hear.
Alas, my heart would sooner face
A blanket on unearthly disaster.
Now the tables have turned upside down,
And I have become a pleading slave,
Longing to quench this cursed thirst
As Fate's laughter rings clear.
All that I wanted and all that I had
Left to join their unfinished circle,
And I on the outside sit speechless,
Knowing to try to change the forces at hand
Would only then cast me farther out
Within a role without an understudy.
10-15-92
The Edge of Fear
Sometimes shadows
creep up on me
like a stranger.
Like memories, the shadows slip
quietly into me head.
Pictures of blood covered hands
stain my eyes
and I remember...
You sat on black satin sheets,
empty of expression-
cold as a winter's night.
Everytime I walk alone
I feel their eyes upon me;
I can hardly bare
the urge to burst,
"Stop looking at me!"
The pigs snort up gold
and roll in their riches.
I curse the greed of lust
that bubbles under their skin.
I want to erupt,
"I hate your eyes!
I hate to feel you move with me!
I hate feeling fear
as you laugh,
knowing your power."
Trembling heart, I'd give the world
to kill the pain you feel tonight.
They raped so much more than your body-
too much more to name.
Sometimes those shadows
stay in the dark,
where all fears
and insecurities reside.
And just as quickly
as they can come,
I can shadow too.
10-14-92
creep up on me
like a stranger.
Like memories, the shadows slip
quietly into me head.
Pictures of blood covered hands
stain my eyes
and I remember...
You sat on black satin sheets,
empty of expression-
cold as a winter's night.
Everytime I walk alone
I feel their eyes upon me;
I can hardly bare
the urge to burst,
"Stop looking at me!"
The pigs snort up gold
and roll in their riches.
I curse the greed of lust
that bubbles under their skin.
I want to erupt,
"I hate your eyes!
I hate to feel you move with me!
I hate feeling fear
as you laugh,
knowing your power."
Trembling heart, I'd give the world
to kill the pain you feel tonight.
They raped so much more than your body-
too much more to name.
Sometimes those shadows
stay in the dark,
where all fears
and insecurities reside.
And just as quickly
as they can come,
I can shadow too.
10-14-92
Wait On Your Knees
What was so good about yesterday?
All the tears and broken hearts
The years of searching
Only to understand
What you were thinking
Is it really such a grand deal?
Did we love with purity?
We swore on forgotten dreams
We laughed at our weaknesses
And while our children sleep
We say prayers for tomorrow
Protect the ones I love
From the monsters yet to come
Yesterday can only be remembered
By those who say tomorrow
Is coming around next week
Sentimental kisses and letters
We've clenched with desperate hands
Today is no sweet ride
My love, yesterday will soon become
What today has happily lied
9-12-92
All the tears and broken hearts
The years of searching
Only to understand
What you were thinking
Is it really such a grand deal?
Did we love with purity?
We swore on forgotten dreams
We laughed at our weaknesses
And while our children sleep
We say prayers for tomorrow
Protect the ones I love
From the monsters yet to come
Yesterday can only be remembered
By those who say tomorrow
Is coming around next week
Sentimental kisses and letters
We've clenched with desperate hands
Today is no sweet ride
My love, yesterday will soon become
What today has happily lied
9-12-92
Silence Before Dawn
Sometimes fear grips me
like a jealous lover
seeking his revenge.
Fear can whisper
in my resistant ear
the darkest of secrets,
scratching lies
like a knife on glass.
My heart pounds
and my pulse thunders
as I long for conversation
or the strength of security.
All the while,
it is the silence of uncertainty
piercing through the chaos
like a persistent stranger
whose eyes are constantly fixed
on my every gesture,
every shake of my head
and every push for a smile.
He laughs at my pain
as my tears fall
from my head to my knees,
and he slips away
when the Light surrounds me,
leaving me be for now.
9-10-92
like a jealous lover
seeking his revenge.
Fear can whisper
in my resistant ear
the darkest of secrets,
scratching lies
like a knife on glass.
My heart pounds
and my pulse thunders
as I long for conversation
or the strength of security.
All the while,
it is the silence of uncertainty
piercing through the chaos
like a persistent stranger
whose eyes are constantly fixed
on my every gesture,
every shake of my head
and every push for a smile.
He laughs at my pain
as my tears fall
from my head to my knees,
and he slips away
when the Light surrounds me,
leaving me be for now.
9-10-92
Those Who Fade
Your quiet voice echoes
the unnerving impression
you engraved on my heart.
I can't tell honestly-
I fear my heart's result.
Your icy black waters
reflect my image
like a mirror to your soul.
My love is no shape
you can twist to taste
or turn inside out.
I was never who you wanted-
I can't run that way.
You don't smile your mouth
or sparkle your eyes
to make me feel;
it's that never that simple.
Something about your face
like the droning of the wind
asking me to love.
When the wind howls
sometimes I shiver waiting
for your cold expression.
Sometimes apathy
and sorrow collide
and I realize it's you.
I never meant to lock you-
I never tried at all.
You have always known
and looked away-
uncaring still.
8-28-92
the unnerving impression
you engraved on my heart.
I can't tell honestly-
I fear my heart's result.
Your icy black waters
reflect my image
like a mirror to your soul.
My love is no shape
you can twist to taste
or turn inside out.
I was never who you wanted-
I can't run that way.
You don't smile your mouth
or sparkle your eyes
to make me feel;
it's that never that simple.
Something about your face
like the droning of the wind
asking me to love.
When the wind howls
sometimes I shiver waiting
for your cold expression.
Sometimes apathy
and sorrow collide
and I realize it's you.
I never meant to lock you-
I never tried at all.
You have always known
and looked away-
uncaring still.
8-28-92
My Hero
How easy it would be
to slip into the arms
of convenience,
close your eyes tight,
and never count the cost
of your rebellion.
Those that will talk
will only rummage
through the used garbage
their hands only
know too well.
They will never
know the hero
your heart conceals.
My friend, I see you
and the paths
you quickly overlooked.
You could have ran
the other way,
hiding inside
your lost innocence.
You chose to face
the self-righteous
and the certain future
of trials ahead
when you could have easily
turned out the light
of the life
that is growing
inside you.
You have given up
your childhood
and the simplicity it held
so the voiceless child
could have the chance to live.
My respect for your courage
is beyond what words can say.
My heart sends its admiration
as your world turns upside down.
Those that will talk
will never realize
the unselfish hero
I see in your eyes.
7-28-92
to slip into the arms
of convenience,
close your eyes tight,
and never count the cost
of your rebellion.
Those that will talk
will only rummage
through the used garbage
their hands only
know too well.
They will never
know the hero
your heart conceals.
My friend, I see you
and the paths
you quickly overlooked.
You could have ran
the other way,
hiding inside
your lost innocence.
You chose to face
the self-righteous
and the certain future
of trials ahead
when you could have easily
turned out the light
of the life
that is growing
inside you.
You have given up
your childhood
and the simplicity it held
so the voiceless child
could have the chance to live.
My respect for your courage
is beyond what words can say.
My heart sends its admiration
as your world turns upside down.
Those that will talk
will never realize
the unselfish hero
I see in your eyes.
7-28-92
On Standing By
Times-
oh, how they've changed!
You and I-
a story yet to be told.
From the heart,
we've stood-oh-so many tests.
From love to hate
and all that lies between,
the crashing waves
have yet to scratch
the endurance of our vows.
Though we've both known sorrow
and its elegiac cries,
we've tasted joy
and found where true peace lies.
Through the bonds of honesty
our loyalty has been forged.
Like a hammer pounds smoldering iron,
trials have been thrust upon us,
intending to break us-
they have only merged us more.
I've watched you crumble
and scampered to hold you together.
You've taught me tears
and how to touch feelings.
We've traveled through darkness
and seen the light of day.
No one could touch those times-
though they may change-
we shall endure as long
as God reigns on high.
7-23-92
oh, how they've changed!
You and I-
a story yet to be told.
From the heart,
we've stood-oh-so many tests.
From love to hate
and all that lies between,
the crashing waves
have yet to scratch
the endurance of our vows.
Though we've both known sorrow
and its elegiac cries,
we've tasted joy
and found where true peace lies.
Through the bonds of honesty
our loyalty has been forged.
Like a hammer pounds smoldering iron,
trials have been thrust upon us,
intending to break us-
they have only merged us more.
I've watched you crumble
and scampered to hold you together.
You've taught me tears
and how to touch feelings.
We've traveled through darkness
and seen the light of day.
No one could touch those times-
though they may change-
we shall endure as long
as God reigns on high.
7-23-92
Things of Meaning
I bought all kinds of things for you.
Things that say, "I love you"
or "I was thinking of you."
My things have done nothing
to make you feel the same.
I wasn't trying to buy you-
I only wanted you to see
that I have no one else.
The things that make me smile
are those that whisper memories
of you and me together.
They were the happiest days
of my empty life.
These things can surround me,
but never fill this heart of mine.
When words fail me,
the things I give to you
can only serve as reminders
of the way I feel for you.
7-21-92
Things that say, "I love you"
or "I was thinking of you."
My things have done nothing
to make you feel the same.
I wasn't trying to buy you-
I only wanted you to see
that I have no one else.
The things that make me smile
are those that whisper memories
of you and me together.
They were the happiest days
of my empty life.
These things can surround me,
but never fill this heart of mine.
When words fail me,
the things I give to you
can only serve as reminders
of the way I feel for you.
7-21-92
Should I…
Should I curse God,
or make Him my lover?
In all the world
There lies but one truth-
oh! For life to be
so simplistic;
for meaning
to be so readily grasped!
I am searching the world
for Sincerity,
Honesty-
what a beautiful thought!
In a wold caked
with infinite deception,
Mm heart and eyes
look toward the skies.
I know!
I know I am self-chained
from inside!
Do I care?
Should I care?
Isn’t caring self-denial?
Oh, God!
Can I really be real?
You are;
aren’t I?
This brittle body
and this heart of stone
want nothing more
than to be torn apart.
This is my prayer-
my wish,
and my deepest desire.
Broken is clean
and clean is pure
Purity is Sincere-
Honest-
what a beautiful thought!
7-18-92
or make Him my lover?
In all the world
There lies but one truth-
oh! For life to be
so simplistic;
for meaning
to be so readily grasped!
I am searching the world
for Sincerity,
Honesty-
what a beautiful thought!
In a wold caked
with infinite deception,
Mm heart and eyes
look toward the skies.
I know!
I know I am self-chained
from inside!
Do I care?
Should I care?
Isn’t caring self-denial?
Oh, God!
Can I really be real?
You are;
aren’t I?
This brittle body
and this heart of stone
want nothing more
than to be torn apart.
This is my prayer-
my wish,
and my deepest desire.
Broken is clean
and clean is pure
Purity is Sincere-
Honest-
what a beautiful thought!
7-18-92
Yet Another
Feeling small,
I gaze at passing clouds,
wondering how
and when my happiness withered.
Cars, trucks, and semis
congest on local passage ways.
Oh, how I long to burn pass them
and fly through the open air!
"This pain won't go away,"
I said, but could not explain.
My anchored heart
cannot whisper its story;
only can it wail with the sirens
that live in the stormy seas.
My love is not lost-
it's empty- sucked dry
by the leeches that surround me
and the dreams
that constantly laugh
at my feeble arms
reaching...
My life is the story
of a donkey and a carrot.
"Can't you see I don't care
where I'm going?"
They know
and laugh,
pointing fingers
as I stumble past.
I'm so tired and weak.
Can't you see
I can't be strong anymore?
Can't you see
I cannot be strong anymore!
And God in Heaven above is silent,
keeping the universe in line,
washing the mountains with rain,
and causing new life to be conceived.
I love to watch fireflies
in black forests
under starry skies.
I held one once
in my eager hands;
it slipped away,
right through my grasp.
It didn't understand
the love I had inside;
it didn't give me a chance
to say the right things;
it didn't wait to see
that I only needed a friend.
I lay alone again,
closing my eyes to Heaven.
My light goes out
and I whisper,
"I'm sorry."
I know He somehow understands.
I'm glad
because I don't.
7-12-92
I gaze at passing clouds,
wondering how
and when my happiness withered.
Cars, trucks, and semis
congest on local passage ways.
Oh, how I long to burn pass them
and fly through the open air!
"This pain won't go away,"
I said, but could not explain.
My anchored heart
cannot whisper its story;
only can it wail with the sirens
that live in the stormy seas.
My love is not lost-
it's empty- sucked dry
by the leeches that surround me
and the dreams
that constantly laugh
at my feeble arms
reaching...
My life is the story
of a donkey and a carrot.
"Can't you see I don't care
where I'm going?"
They know
and laugh,
pointing fingers
as I stumble past.
I'm so tired and weak.
Can't you see
I can't be strong anymore?
Can't you see
I cannot be strong anymore!
And God in Heaven above is silent,
keeping the universe in line,
washing the mountains with rain,
and causing new life to be conceived.
I love to watch fireflies
in black forests
under starry skies.
I held one once
in my eager hands;
it slipped away,
right through my grasp.
It didn't understand
the love I had inside;
it didn't give me a chance
to say the right things;
it didn't wait to see
that I only needed a friend.
I lay alone again,
closing my eyes to Heaven.
My light goes out
and I whisper,
"I'm sorry."
I know He somehow understands.
I'm glad
because I don't.
7-12-92
green
am I sleeping?
am I dreaming?
could I be
falling
down
a hole
in the sky?
is it me,
or does this world
feel like
it's spinning
off its axis?
I would get up,
but the last time I tried
the Earth turned over,
and I landed
on my back,
wondering why
and who
for no reason at all.
now the sky
turned so green-
I feel I drink it
with a great big slurp!.
I follow upside down
the straight line in the sky,
slipping into a black hole
disappearing forever...
oh! how I love the color green!
7-1-92
am I dreaming?
could I be
falling
down
a hole
in the sky?
is it me,
or does this world
feel like
it's spinning
off its axis?
I would get up,
but the last time I tried
the Earth turned over,
and I landed
on my back,
wondering why
and who
for no reason at all.
now the sky
turned so green-
I feel I drink it
with a great big slurp!.
I follow upside down
the straight line in the sky,
slipping into a black hole
disappearing forever...
oh! how I love the color green!
7-1-92
Blood Privilege
Madness grips
your blacked heart,
consumed with desperation.
Your only outlet
is your body
upon which you shred
every time the day grows heavy.
Turn your confusion
into anger and force.
Take it out on yourself.
Your body is your own,
right?
You weak helpless fool,
a knife slices
into your persistent pain.
Failure sinks deep
into every bleeding crevice.
I know your thirst for power.
Control comes through a fist
in a wall.
I see it in your eyes.
How can the world lie?
It screams your story
of frustration.
How simply they can walk blindfolded
but I see
and I fear
that untamed monster
hiding behind your defiant eyes.
Your mind worked
like a racehorse.
Your thoughts dove so deep,
you are drowning.
And you ask no one
to clench your broken hands
and pull you to shore.
Every drop of blood
that drips from your skin
is your pain
your hate
your anger
your confusion
and your sober choice.
Your body is your own
God given right.
Right?
6-20-1992
your blacked heart,
consumed with desperation.
Your only outlet
is your body
upon which you shred
every time the day grows heavy.
Turn your confusion
into anger and force.
Take it out on yourself.
Your body is your own,
right?
You weak helpless fool,
a knife slices
into your persistent pain.
Failure sinks deep
into every bleeding crevice.
I know your thirst for power.
Control comes through a fist
in a wall.
I see it in your eyes.
How can the world lie?
It screams your story
of frustration.
How simply they can walk blindfolded
but I see
and I fear
that untamed monster
hiding behind your defiant eyes.
Your mind worked
like a racehorse.
Your thoughts dove so deep,
you are drowning.
And you ask no one
to clench your broken hands
and pull you to shore.
Every drop of blood
that drips from your skin
is your pain
your hate
your anger
your confusion
and your sober choice.
Your body is your own
God given right.
Right?
6-20-1992
Upside Down
I don't know about tomorrow,
but today just slipped
through my fingers.
I'm always dreaming
of a perfect yesterday.
Right now I want to know
which way is the sky
and which way is below.
I keep my head straight,
but the world keeps spinning
around
and around
and around.
My mind is a blur
and memories are windows
to dreams and experience,
both of which have left me
dry and alone.
My heart cries, "Holy One!"
and my body wants to die.
I didn't ask for this masquerade
or anyone that loved me.
I just wanted an ocean
to fly above and to dive into,
to know where angels slept
and called themselves unworthy.
My heart just explodes
every time I think of you.
6-15-92
but today just slipped
through my fingers.
I'm always dreaming
of a perfect yesterday.
Right now I want to know
which way is the sky
and which way is below.
I keep my head straight,
but the world keeps spinning
around
and around
and around.
My mind is a blur
and memories are windows
to dreams and experience,
both of which have left me
dry and alone.
My heart cries, "Holy One!"
and my body wants to die.
I didn't ask for this masquerade
or anyone that loved me.
I just wanted an ocean
to fly above and to dive into,
to know where angels slept
and called themselves unworthy.
My heart just explodes
every time I think of you.
6-15-92
Forget It
Don't make me look at you-
I'm afraid of your eyes
pleading softly,
"Care for me."
I can't.
You're dangerous
like the edge of the jagged cliffs.
You don't know me-
you're not my kind.
How could I love
one who could hate
the Light inside of me
pleading, "Believe in Me."
You won't.
Let go of me-
and free my aching heart.
Why do I care at all?
Whatever.
6-11-92
I'm afraid of your eyes
pleading softly,
"Care for me."
I can't.
You're dangerous
like the edge of the jagged cliffs.
You don't know me-
you're not my kind.
How could I love
one who could hate
the Light inside of me
pleading, "Believe in Me."
You won't.
Let go of me-
and free my aching heart.
Why do I care at all?
Whatever.
6-11-92
Mystery Tour
I want to curse at confusion
and spit in the eyes of lies.
My screaming heart
can’t see through the pitch blackness
of this misguided tour.
Honesty lies somewhere
between my dreams and wishes.
Reality knows no such resident.
Can the aching
of my love for truth
ever be quenched?
Will I forever be damned
to these twisted halls
of frustration?
Will my hands
ever be washed clean
from the excrement
you heartlessly cram
down my throat?
All I ever wanted
was to know in my heart
the song of purity
and untainted reality.
Is there ever such a thing
as a key to unlock
the mystery of the ages?
6-9-92
and spit in the eyes of lies.
My screaming heart
can’t see through the pitch blackness
of this misguided tour.
Honesty lies somewhere
between my dreams and wishes.
Reality knows no such resident.
Can the aching
of my love for truth
ever be quenched?
Will I forever be damned
to these twisted halls
of frustration?
Will my hands
ever be washed clean
from the excrement
you heartlessly cram
down my throat?
All I ever wanted
was to know in my heart
the song of purity
and untainted reality.
Is there ever such a thing
as a key to unlock
the mystery of the ages?
6-9-92
My Discovery
He thrusts into my barricade
of naiveté,
the walls crumble
down like my tears.
They said there is something
I’m hiding from them-
No kidding.
Like I’d ever tell them
anything at all…
I locked the door-
Is that wrong?
I know monsters lie
under beds
where little girls
dreams peacefully.
They said I have potential
for a very successful career-
In what?
Exploiting my fears
for uncaring vultures
to prey upon?
I’d rather die in tragedy
than to give to them
what secrets quiver
in my blackened room.
Truth is like sex-
you don’t share with everyone.
6-1-92
of naiveté,
the walls crumble
down like my tears.
They said there is something
I’m hiding from them-
No kidding.
Like I’d ever tell them
anything at all…
I locked the door-
Is that wrong?
I know monsters lie
under beds
where little girls
dreams peacefully.
They said I have potential
for a very successful career-
In what?
Exploiting my fears
for uncaring vultures
to prey upon?
I’d rather die in tragedy
than to give to them
what secrets quiver
in my blackened room.
Truth is like sex-
you don’t share with everyone.
6-1-92
You and I
You curse-
I scream
inside.
The world is spinning
out of control,
but we shall remain-
unfallen.
You-
a child of invisibility
and I-
a child of the skies,
we both cry for freedom
from the lies
that bound us.
You curse-
I scream
inside.
Your mind is a cage-
behind the thick steel bars
of reality.
My mind is a machine-
digesting experience
like aspirin
on an empty stomach.
We hold hands
as we stand-
watching the rest collide
with the frail wall
of superficialness.
You curse-
I scream
inside.
Your passion burns
like a blazing mountain-
my loyalty endures
like the waves of the ocean.
Our God has twisted
our lives as one-
to glorify Himself
through our trials
and our tears.
You learn to love-
I learn to live
in time.
5-17-92
I scream
inside.
The world is spinning
out of control,
but we shall remain-
unfallen.
You-
a child of invisibility
and I-
a child of the skies,
we both cry for freedom
from the lies
that bound us.
You curse-
I scream
inside.
Your mind is a cage-
behind the thick steel bars
of reality.
My mind is a machine-
digesting experience
like aspirin
on an empty stomach.
We hold hands
as we stand-
watching the rest collide
with the frail wall
of superficialness.
You curse-
I scream
inside.
Your passion burns
like a blazing mountain-
my loyalty endures
like the waves of the ocean.
Our God has twisted
our lives as one-
to glorify Himself
through our trials
and our tears.
You learn to love-
I learn to live
in time.
5-17-92
Come Again?
the alarm sounds
shattered fantasy
red light flashes—BETRAYAL
sugar coated truth override reality
there has got to be another way
the only exit marked “PAIN”
take her hand led her through
my best friend
she tore the mask—blew my cover
introduced me to myself
please, GOD, anyone but her…
this wasn’t supposed to happen
there has got to be another way
backfired protection plan
all that remains is uncertainty
of what will happen next
she and I no more?
I cringe at the thought
tomorrow is a new day
in her hand she clenches—
not hate- nor disgust
but a gift of love-
of forgiveness—I had prayed
that GOD has created
let no one tear apart.
(co-written by D.B.K.)
5-6-92
shattered fantasy
red light flashes—BETRAYAL
sugar coated truth override reality
there has got to be another way
the only exit marked “PAIN”
take her hand led her through
my best friend
she tore the mask—blew my cover
introduced me to myself
please, GOD, anyone but her…
this wasn’t supposed to happen
there has got to be another way
backfired protection plan
all that remains is uncertainty
of what will happen next
she and I no more?
I cringe at the thought
tomorrow is a new day
in her hand she clenches—
not hate- nor disgust
but a gift of love-
of forgiveness—I had prayed
that GOD has created
let no one tear apart.
(co-written by D.B.K.)
5-6-92
Betrayal
I feel the kiss of Judas.
His lips are warm and soft.
I knew why he had come
the moment he entered the garden.
"There is nothing you can do
to make me hate you..."
You are still sobbing,
but tears will never stop the pain
or change the story.
Judas tries to close his eyes,
but he can't rid his mind
of the silver pieces.
He begs the system
to forget his sin.
He is refused.
"I've imagined the worst;
please, just tell me now,
so I can feel the wound."
Still, you cry
and claim it's worse.
My dearest friend,
you know nothing but regret.
"I never ment to hurt you..."
The body is cold.
The noose is tight.
They say this land is cursed.
Shall I rise again?
Will I see the light of day?
"Father, forgive them
for they know not
what they have done."
"I love you still."
Do you believe
that love can conquer all?
5-5-92
His lips are warm and soft.
I knew why he had come
the moment he entered the garden.
"There is nothing you can do
to make me hate you..."
You are still sobbing,
but tears will never stop the pain
or change the story.
Judas tries to close his eyes,
but he can't rid his mind
of the silver pieces.
He begs the system
to forget his sin.
He is refused.
"I've imagined the worst;
please, just tell me now,
so I can feel the wound."
Still, you cry
and claim it's worse.
My dearest friend,
you know nothing but regret.
"I never ment to hurt you..."
The body is cold.
The noose is tight.
They say this land is cursed.
Shall I rise again?
Will I see the light of day?
"Father, forgive them
for they know not
what they have done."
"I love you still."
Do you believe
that love can conquer all?
5-5-92
Wind Song
The wind calls
in whispers
to dance with her
in the valley below.
All the ropes I held
to keep me strong
cut themselves off from me.
The fire that burned,
I knew her warmth,
her caressing flames.
She flipped the switch;
now my feet know numbness
of the slick ice
upon which I stand
alone.
My strength
could not stop a feather
from crushing
my aching heart.
I felt the heat in my side;
crucified, deep and wide.
I thought I was saving a life;
couldn't I?
Now you're a hundred worlds away,
and I still can't say good-bye
to your flame
I thought you were burning
just for me.
Everyday I smiled
blindfolded.
Are you laughing?
No, I don't think you are.
I know you saw
I needed the lies.
Didn't I?
I lit the match,
now watch me burn.
The wind blows my ashes
and I dance with her
upon the starlit sky.
She and I,
we still love you
in honest reality.
I doubt I'll return
anytime soon
to you icy flame
you keep burning,
waiting for my return.
5-4-92
in whispers
to dance with her
in the valley below.
All the ropes I held
to keep me strong
cut themselves off from me.
The fire that burned,
I knew her warmth,
her caressing flames.
She flipped the switch;
now my feet know numbness
of the slick ice
upon which I stand
alone.
My strength
could not stop a feather
from crushing
my aching heart.
I felt the heat in my side;
crucified, deep and wide.
I thought I was saving a life;
couldn't I?
Now you're a hundred worlds away,
and I still can't say good-bye
to your flame
I thought you were burning
just for me.
Everyday I smiled
blindfolded.
Are you laughing?
No, I don't think you are.
I know you saw
I needed the lies.
Didn't I?
I lit the match,
now watch me burn.
The wind blows my ashes
and I dance with her
upon the starlit sky.
She and I,
we still love you
in honest reality.
I doubt I'll return
anytime soon
to you icy flame
you keep burning,
waiting for my return.
5-4-92
My Sister
like a rose
planted in darkness;
still you grew,
dodging in between
the thorns of catastrophe.
You let them use you,
step on you,
and tear you apart.
You asked me
to feel with you;
I turned away,
embracing my solitude.
I buried my head in my knees.
It’s not the hand
of condemnation I hold;
it’s within the grasp
of fear I cover,
shielding my eyes
and my heart
from the stranger
I saw peering
through the window
of your pale blue eyes,
holding a box of secrets
that I longed to bury
deep inside my heart.
Words could never match
my love and loyalty
to my half-blood sister
though they always try.
You may never know
I never meant to hurt you.
Close your eyes
once more for me;
I pray one day
I can free myself
and embrace
the stranger
in your eyes.
5-92
Learning Facilities
Tall brown walls
puncture my happiness.
The valley of my week
begins.
Before me lies five hands
with six hour long fingers
to claw at my tolerance.
A bell clangs,
and like a swarm
of angry bees,
the masses explode
into crowded corridors
and cracked cement paths.
Feet drag to feeding tigers.
"Here ya go, Math!
Atta girl, English:
there's an extra portion
for you!"
The beast gulp down
reluctant students,
only to regurgitate them
in fifty-one minutes
and trade delicacies.
The process continues
while select victims escape
under steel walls,
and forged passports
by educational vigilantes.
After six meals,
the hungry animals
curls up to sleep,
releasing programmed minds
to unfurl thoughts
and regain sanity.
4-92
puncture my happiness.
The valley of my week
begins.
Before me lies five hands
with six hour long fingers
to claw at my tolerance.
A bell clangs,
and like a swarm
of angry bees,
the masses explode
into crowded corridors
and cracked cement paths.
Feet drag to feeding tigers.
"Here ya go, Math!
Atta girl, English:
there's an extra portion
for you!"
The beast gulp down
reluctant students,
only to regurgitate them
in fifty-one minutes
and trade delicacies.
The process continues
while select victims escape
under steel walls,
and forged passports
by educational vigilantes.
After six meals,
the hungry animals
curls up to sleep,
releasing programmed minds
to unfurl thoughts
and regain sanity.
4-92
I Have Passed
I've passed
to a lonely place
of solitude,
beyond the gates
of society
into peace of mind.
The whispers of my past
call out to me,
"When will you return?"
My eyes closed tight
and my arms stretched outward
like a martyr
on a cross,
I cry, "No sooner
shall I return
then the gates of Heaven
open wide."
My soul
knows nothing more
than this open sky
before me.
My heart
feels nothing,
but a cool wind
surrounding my mind.
Oh, my love,
search me!
Oh, my heart's desire,
come and become me!
There is nothing more
I know but here.
Nothing-
save the presence
of my destiny.
Earth below me;
blue sky above me;
I am coming home.
2-28-92
to a lonely place
of solitude,
beyond the gates
of society
into peace of mind.
The whispers of my past
call out to me,
"When will you return?"
My eyes closed tight
and my arms stretched outward
like a martyr
on a cross,
I cry, "No sooner
shall I return
then the gates of Heaven
open wide."
My soul
knows nothing more
than this open sky
before me.
My heart
feels nothing,
but a cool wind
surrounding my mind.
Oh, my love,
search me!
Oh, my heart's desire,
come and become me!
There is nothing more
I know but here.
Nothing-
save the presence
of my destiny.
Earth below me;
blue sky above me;
I am coming home.
2-28-92
Elegy for Ian Curtis
Like an encaged child
withheld from innocence
endlessly seeking substance,
you explored death's edge
You dove into blackness,
hoping to find pure light.
A deep desperate voice cried,
"I'm ashamed of the things
I've been put through;
I'm ashamed of the person
I am."
You cried like death's doorbell,
"Mother, I tried;
please, believe me."
Swimming through madness,
you only wanted more.
Catapulting into a fatalistic melody,
your music became your solace
of twisted expression.
The child never freed
to walk the path of sanity's light;
a child forever waiting on the wings
watching the scenes replay.
2-10-92
just a little
letting go
is the hardest thing to do
I don't know if I can
it means so much
losing you is the start
the dream
and all the future
the happy feelings
the pride
admiting who you really are
making you human
with flaws and all
hit the floor
it's time again
grow up a little more
stop living in make-believe
maybe I don't want to
what does that mean?
I lose
you lose
who wins?
I guess it had to be
leave it alone
hold on a little longer
it only hurts for a while
deny myself
and all the selfish lies
maybe what they say
is true anyhow
I should have known
But that means-
not that again
Reality
Oh! why do we have to feel?
why
you were such a lovely dream
you always came through
shining on a star
smiling on forever
deny you?
no, just what I want
stop the false need
what is it that it takes?
give up on all dreams
but what does that leave me?
Oh! not that again
I see what I said
letting go
hurts only a little bit
make you human
flaws and all
hang up on a miss dial
wait this time
for love to call you back
1-21-92
is the hardest thing to do
I don't know if I can
it means so much
losing you is the start
the dream
and all the future
the happy feelings
the pride
admiting who you really are
making you human
with flaws and all
hit the floor
it's time again
grow up a little more
stop living in make-believe
maybe I don't want to
what does that mean?
I lose
you lose
who wins?
I guess it had to be
leave it alone
hold on a little longer
it only hurts for a while
deny myself
and all the selfish lies
maybe what they say
is true anyhow
I should have known
But that means-
not that again
Reality
Oh! why do we have to feel?
why
you were such a lovely dream
you always came through
shining on a star
smiling on forever
deny you?
no, just what I want
stop the false need
what is it that it takes?
give up on all dreams
but what does that leave me?
Oh! not that again
I see what I said
letting go
hurts only a little bit
make you human
flaws and all
hang up on a miss dial
wait this time
for love to call you back
1-21-92
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