Some people are better off
never to be seen again
a thought I never thought
until tonight at the grocery store
I saw you by the bottled juices
with your blushing bride
in her child like naiveté
pushing a cart of potato buds
your voice got softer, almost queer
like she tamed your wilderness
I once knew as your wicked smile
I can't help but wonder
how she erased the shadows
and smoothed out your wrinkles
I guess it's only fair
you found your redemption at last
and me and my continuous journey
still hoping and getting burned
by similar lies like you
why did you have to meet my eyes
as if you still had the power
to climb in and destroy all mine
you go on now-I am passing by
we'll never be mutual companions
not if I had my way
12-9-94
Ode To Mike
I loved you much deeper
than those curly, curly locks
tromping in our boots
around school through the halls
without destination
only passing time discusing
such important things
like what to eat
and where to sit
I lost you like everyone
it seems no matter how
hard I try they all leave
like the rest you would not explain
the old boy-meets-girl story
and other girls are just that-other girls
I never saw the difference
I just saw your gentle smile
and the kindest heart
you even asked me
if I would be your friend
an offer I intended to keep
but it was you that lied
and moved on without looking behind
I was still there waiting
until the bell rang
and school was out
I waited by the lunch line
I waited by the stadium
I sat down by the grass
hoping you'd come around
where we used to hide out
from the whole entire world
pretending it was our own
but just like Delilah she crept in
and shaved away your strength
what I wouldn't give to pull
those black coils again
or just know one smile
from your face was mine
12-94
than those curly, curly locks
tromping in our boots
around school through the halls
without destination
only passing time discusing
such important things
like what to eat
and where to sit
I lost you like everyone
it seems no matter how
hard I try they all leave
like the rest you would not explain
the old boy-meets-girl story
and other girls are just that-other girls
I never saw the difference
I just saw your gentle smile
and the kindest heart
you even asked me
if I would be your friend
an offer I intended to keep
but it was you that lied
and moved on without looking behind
I was still there waiting
until the bell rang
and school was out
I waited by the lunch line
I waited by the stadium
I sat down by the grass
hoping you'd come around
where we used to hide out
from the whole entire world
pretending it was our own
but just like Delilah she crept in
and shaved away your strength
what I wouldn't give to pull
those black coils again
or just know one smile
from your face was mine
12-94
The Short Cut
I missed that turn
the short cut
around that forever red light
everyone probably thinks
I'm not from around here
but I was
I didn't grow up in Party Beach,
California
I consider myself lucky
because I dive the opposite
direction
of that
nasty rush-
hour traffic.
this guy in a gray minivan
cuts me off
and rubs his "Jesus Saves" bumper sticker
in my face- before I get
mad I realize he's just like me
or I'm just
like him-
either way-it does nothing for my
faith in humanity
then I pull off the freeway
and notice you
in an old blue Subaru GL
driving right next to me
with my sunglasses and you with
your sunglasses I won't turn my
head for one second to see if you're
looking my way or not
I look straight ahead acting casual
and in control as if I deserve
to drive the same way as you.
I find a reason to look your way
but then
you must have
turned
at that
last
corner.
I don't regret missing your glance.
7-26-94
the short cut
around that forever red light
everyone probably thinks
I'm not from around here
but I was
I didn't grow up in Party Beach,
California
I consider myself lucky
because I dive the opposite
direction
of that
nasty rush-
hour traffic.
this guy in a gray minivan
cuts me off
and rubs his "Jesus Saves" bumper sticker
in my face- before I get
mad I realize he's just like me
or I'm just
like him-
either way-it does nothing for my
faith in humanity
then I pull off the freeway
and notice you
in an old blue Subaru GL
driving right next to me
with my sunglasses and you with
your sunglasses I won't turn my
head for one second to see if you're
looking my way or not
I look straight ahead acting casual
and in control as if I deserve
to drive the same way as you.
I find a reason to look your way
but then
you must have
turned
at that
last
corner.
I don't regret missing your glance.
7-26-94
Brother
He is thick like an oak-
twisting his roots deep
into the soil.
Never bending with the wind-
the impulsive, undecisive wind-
he will not budge for
a broad flowing river.
He reaches far into the earth
for the purest springs.
Though I stretch my limbs
to rocky ground-
where the sun refuses moisture,
and the wind mocks
my feeble buds-
in the evening he lends his
branches- wide and rigid.
His shade spreads out like a veil
extending just enough
to cool me
down-
as if it was his purpose.
7-25-94
twisting his roots deep
into the soil.
Never bending with the wind-
the impulsive, undecisive wind-
he will not budge for
a broad flowing river.
He reaches far into the earth
for the purest springs.
Though I stretch my limbs
to rocky ground-
where the sun refuses moisture,
and the wind mocks
my feeble buds-
in the evening he lends his
branches- wide and rigid.
His shade spreads out like a veil
extending just enough
to cool me
down-
as if it was his purpose.
7-25-94
Bother To Ask
Do I
want to be
one of them?
Wild- -Wild-
-Wild- -Wild-
Is what I desire
to be an unanswered
question?
I don't know-
I don't know.
thought I did for a while
thought I did before...
liberal-liberated?
conserve-conservative.
whose views are mine?
whose questions do I ask,
anyhow?
I don't want to go
-once a month, free clinic-
tested, tested, tested
I know where I have been
not
Does that mean
I know where I am?
Name (the) Game
I don't play
so? what
do I want
answered...
4-15-94
one of them?
Wild- -Wild-
-Wild- -Wild-
Is what I desire
to be an unanswered
question?
I don't know-
I don't know.
thought I did for a while
thought I did before...
liberal-liberated?
conserve-conservative.
whose views are mine?
whose questions do I ask,
anyhow?
I don't want to go
-once a month, free clinic-
tested, tested, tested
I know where I have been
not
Does that mean
I know where I am?
Name (the) Game
I don't play
so? what
do I want
answered...
4-15-94
I Left California
I left California raining.
One thousand miles north,
I rested in the sun's warmth,
stretching to press behind
my heart's unrest-
or better yet-my unwanted pressings.
The wonders of Oregon-
so sweet and untainted,
so many trees,
and every shade of green
I never knew existed.
I meant to search for peace-
I stumbled upon myself,
in the eyes of a man
and the tears of a woman.
I left California raining-
five years too sober,
questioning God
and my purpose in life.
I stretched my feet
and opened my mind.
I have clung to my love's acceptance
for fear of losing my strength.
I am on my own, now.
I saw myself downstairs
hating honesty and truth.
I saw myself in fear
of losing all I had earned.
When she cried, I saw
the part of myself still hurting.
She drank, so I joined her.
I did not give in.
I needed relief.
I found it in myself.
I let down my guard
and took the next step
in searching for truth-
I found freedom.
Will my love understand?
I won't fear to expose-
but will she choose to see?
I left California raining,
my bags packed
and my heart empty.
I came to Oregon in spring,
mixed expectations in hand.
I leave Oregon raining,
no longer afraid to get wet.
I will soak in life as it pours.
I will stand alone-
without fear of expectation.
I am my own, now.
I am my own.
3-30-94
One thousand miles north,
I rested in the sun's warmth,
stretching to press behind
my heart's unrest-
or better yet-my unwanted pressings.
The wonders of Oregon-
so sweet and untainted,
so many trees,
and every shade of green
I never knew existed.
I meant to search for peace-
I stumbled upon myself,
in the eyes of a man
and the tears of a woman.
I left California raining-
five years too sober,
questioning God
and my purpose in life.
I stretched my feet
and opened my mind.
I have clung to my love's acceptance
for fear of losing my strength.
I am on my own, now.
I saw myself downstairs
hating honesty and truth.
I saw myself in fear
of losing all I had earned.
When she cried, I saw
the part of myself still hurting.
She drank, so I joined her.
I did not give in.
I needed relief.
I found it in myself.
I let down my guard
and took the next step
in searching for truth-
I found freedom.
Will my love understand?
I won't fear to expose-
but will she choose to see?
I left California raining,
my bags packed
and my heart empty.
I came to Oregon in spring,
mixed expectations in hand.
I leave Oregon raining,
no longer afraid to get wet.
I will soak in life as it pours.
I will stand alone-
without fear of expectation.
I am my own, now.
I am my own.
3-30-94
Drink Of Me
The world is sucking me in
and I don't give a damn.
Let them pull-let them tempt me.
I will drink their wine
sing their songs
and I will know them.
The world is driving me home
to their houses
to lie in their beds.
I will eat with them
finding my misery sweet.
I will walk their paths
travel their roads
so they might know me
as familiar.
I will use their words
and facial expressions.
The world desires my hand-
I will extend it.
We were born from the earth
out from between the legs of women
who have known men.
The world returns, going in-
coming out,
unwillingly greeting their fate.
I will join the cycle
with only the hope-
I will not become one of them.
2-8-94
and I don't give a damn.
Let them pull-let them tempt me.
I will drink their wine
sing their songs
and I will know them.
The world is driving me home
to their houses
to lie in their beds.
I will eat with them
finding my misery sweet.
I will walk their paths
travel their roads
so they might know me
as familiar.
I will use their words
and facial expressions.
The world desires my hand-
I will extend it.
We were born from the earth
out from between the legs of women
who have known men.
The world returns, going in-
coming out,
unwillingly greeting their fate.
I will join the cycle
with only the hope-
I will not become one of them.
2-8-94
Going Nowhere
here I am
moving again
mostly packed
and ready to go
just waiting for tomorrow
load the truck
stack the boxes
drive
unload
unpack
sort
settle
wondering who'll notice
I left
wondering how long until
I think
I'm somewhere else
I won't be
really
still here
still here...
1-13-94
moving again
mostly packed
and ready to go
just waiting for tomorrow
load the truck
stack the boxes
drive
unload
unpack
sort
settle
wondering who'll notice
I left
wondering how long until
I think
I'm somewhere else
I won't be
really
still here
still here...
1-13-94
distance
across the room
you stand
but her eyes you can
not meet
you say "hello,
life is fine"
and such lies
you smile up front
but the words are
not your own
you laugh, shake hands
cold
but the voices are far
and no one can hear
their bodies push against
yours but she
stands
in another room
alone
these places are never home
and their fingers reach
and pull but yours is not
any of theirs
on the street
you walk for-
ward in motion with the crowd
opposite directions
of the one who knows
the day will come
when the hand you hold
will warm your soul
1-9-94
you stand
but her eyes you can
not meet
you say "hello,
life is fine"
and such lies
you smile up front
but the words are
not your own
you laugh, shake hands
cold
but the voices are far
and no one can hear
their bodies push against
yours but she
stands
in another room
alone
these places are never home
and their fingers reach
and pull but yours is not
any of theirs
on the street
you walk for-
ward in motion with the crowd
opposite directions
of the one who knows
the day will come
when the hand you hold
will warm your soul
1-9-94
Personal Ad
these
tears
are not the tears
of a distant
woman,
but of one bent
on becoming
UP CLOSE
she laughs like
a trickle
not a
dribble as she
attempts to
reconcile my fate
and the passion
of her
dreams.
don't take her so seriously
I know
what
she is meaning
to mean
without asking
I only want
your
attention.
1-4-94
are not the tears
of a distant
woman,
but of one bent
on becoming
UP CLOSE
she laughs like
a trickle
not a
dribble as she
attempts to
reconcile my fate
and the passion
of her
dreams.
don't take her so seriously
I know
what
she is meaning
to mean
without asking
I only want
your
attention.
1-4-94
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