Innocence

How do you make innocence stay

How can you capture

How can you hold something so frail

Can you seal it up

In glass and steal

Can you take its picture

Frame it fast before it fades
How do you keep this smile
Pure and sweet
Cold winter’s breath
How do you make it new
Make the light shine
The whole flower bloom

The ocean’s voice reminds

I am smaller still

Than the day before

Every moment I give in

Every compromise

And tiny white lie

How can you make innocence stay

Fleeting as the morning shadows
I cannot stay forever
In the precious silence
Where dark and light are equally love

Where there is no fear

And there is no hate
How can I capture
Make it real and now
My child soul saved
Maybe much has been taken
And more I have willingly given out
But if I can choose
If I can see the chance
To keep what is left
I’ll make the choice
To know a little less
To laugh sincere
To cry to feel to hurt
To walk arms open and eyes closed
Held by the wind
Warmed by the sun
My heart will beat strong
My feet will stand tall
Closer to whole
And stronger to love
How, I ask once again,

How do you make innocence stay

6-15-99

Thoughtless And…

I feel angry today

because I just shaved my legs

because it changes nothing

your words are still swarming

my head aching

you said “don’t get all sad”

and I laugh

you put yourself on a petalstool

I wasn’t around

I was alone thinking

about anything but you

I almost forgot

until you showed up

friendly smiling loud

hearty handshake

you had to ask

I had to walk away

ended up in the front seat

waste of time

your voice resounding

in between the windows

it wasn’t turning me on

you drove me home

you never understand

how me and irony are

you were hoping

I could tell I’d let you down

and then you flooded me

with your version of honesty

I knew then I’d lost you

(I thought you’d get it

I thought you knew somehow)

the more you spoke the less I cared

so I made you what you wanted

I made you meaningless

a body and a face

my tongue in your mouth

maybe I could just consume you

like an ice cream cone

swallow you whole

it meant nothing

me and you pursuing

hands and legs

my knees turned you on

I had never noticed

that you have nice lips

we were in motion without a thought

but that’s where you went wrong

it’s too late for you now

thoughtless and objectified

it works, but not for me

I am not angry

at you wanting me

just that it’s the only thing

you want from me

my head is still swarming

I’ll go on, I swear

another day

wading in the shallows

when I so want to swim in deep warm waters

deafening and dark drowning in beauty

it’s too late for you now

6-11-99

Timing

My room is a mess
Clothes are strewn
Papers are piling
Is this what you wanted
Me a mess and turned about
But you were wrong
I sometimes like a clean space
I work better think clearer
Oh, I see you now…less
Not as strong or sincere
I was fighting too hard
To make you the one for me
Hundreds of phone calls
Hoping I’d catch you sober
I hate being alone & it seemed
So perfectly logical
The idea
You-a dream becoming
Then, your voice is off mark a bit
And the moment has passed
Is it forever gone?

4-20-99

Same Page

I am reading a book the wrong book
the wrong stories on the wrong pages
it’s all I can do- avoiding the right thing
saying the right words the right lines
my mind- live action animation
an image of the real motion
constant constant throbbing
ocean liner crossing my tug boat
there is more hesitation- doubt than
I previously made assumptions over
hidden in- behind your professional phone voice
I am breathing- inhale slow (I get all
tense in this state- anticipation)
you missed me- I swear, I had your number
an image of a real boy
but there I go sticking my head out
in the wrong place reading the wrong lines
your story is the right page

3-30-99

Laundry

My will to resist you- I am a wall of gray lint
like the sort pulled begrudgingly off the dryer trap
my insides tumbling as I fall deep into this lull
where your voice both cuts and removes
these preexisting scars on my heart
missing a button can you fix?
a boy with a needle and thread
cannot see my body trapped inside the low cycle
down and down your apartment was a mess
like my mind I have porn on the bottom shelf
was that her toothbrush still?
I prefer to wait outside- it’s one of the things
I’m good at. I thought you would like to know.

3-18-99

But do I feel this way?

But do I feel this way?
These passions rubbing up against my sleeve.
I am not a princess (the name deceives).
I am not a damsel in distress awaiting a dream
with my golden locks tumbling down the tower wall.
I am a woman-child sitting in my pj's,
face freshly washed and ready for bed.

But do I feel this way?
These hopes clinging to a ray of possibilities.
My savior opens up his abyss for my elite eyes
to feast upon the untold riches of his heart.
I am not as good at math as I presumed
and my fingernails are short and unkempt.
I love my cat-I love to be alone. I have heartburn.

But do I feel this way?
But do I sit idly for my real world to begin?
The one with a two car garage
and little league in summer afternoons.
You are just a guy with bad taste in shoes,
good taste in music, and not enough sense
to call me on the telephone.
You are just a guy.

3-1-99

What Makes Me

Was I so wrong to push
this door presumed closed
I heard a rumor-
I saw a light thru the crack
I was cold outside
felt the heat leaking through
Was I wrong to turn the knob
I heard your voice
The sounds of comfort
on the other side
Forget this analogy- I am not wrong
My throat is tight
holding fast this pressure
of the minutes dragging
Metaphors don’t comfort the way
your words on my screen
fill my head with electricity
This is some strange dream
you falling at my door
(and I am on the outside?)
Was she just another excuse
to deny me of my rights?
My right to be inside your head
my right to be inside your heart
We talk so much about fears
but not enough about desires
So, do you desire me?
Agony makes me a poet
Anticipation makes me a fool
The fucking computer makes me say
out loud to you what
whispers you passed by
when I stood aside for you and
your comfortable girl
Music makes me long for more
you…you make me wait

2-17-99

The Gesture

I remember your gesture
small tin thing
exquisite design delicate inside
full of camel dollars
There it sits still small
two years past Christmas
how's my bracelet?
& that silly snow shaker
more air than flakes
not much to spin
How do I apologize?
My case remains open
you are still in my head
more voice than face
phone romance-please,
Eric-I want to be friends
I open the lid careful-slow
I can still smell your nicotine
It touched me
the quiet snap-close
cold and pink against
my finger tips
How do I explain the love I have?
You thought I withheld-withdrew
denied- I didn't- just disguised
distance in miles
distance in years
we are dimensions apart
but in my heart
you are there
with your proper English
and Southern eloquence
the way you inhale
and spread your lips across you teeth
Did I use you?
Yes-Yes-Yes!
and I would all the more
Don't call me a loss
or include me in the empty spaces
call me sweetheart
talk to me dirty
I am sorry if I offended
my intentions are simple
no pretentious bull shit
just one rare thing
unhollow low sugar words of honesty
this gesture in my heart

12-14-98

Beautiful Plain Smile

You asked me why I bother
putting this stuff on my lips
and the way you look at me now
makes me want more than
lipstick
and every feeling of desire
draws me to your eyes
you pull your hand to your mouth
are you hiding behind her?
I’d like to believe we were
the only ones that mattered
that we could converge by
sound and volume
I know there is a real boy
behind your blonde fingers
and professional phone voice
as we search songs for our souls
and our sincerity I feel the pull of your
inner melody -but you’re not selling the rights
you know who you can write
out these words for and I watch
her beautiful plain
smile rub your back and you
kick like a dog happy servant
she holds you together when
I want to tear you apart
more power to her cause she
knows what she is doing
obviously since you keep the
line around your insides
tight and opaque
I merely speculate these verses
and write solo love poems

9-24-98

Keep In Touch (Or See Ya Next Summer)

You have become one of those people
who call me up when looking through
your address book.
What to say, catching up-new pet
old job, new girl, same friends-
long pause-
I choose someone other than you.
You have to let me know it
doesn’t affect you.
Well, it affects me.
I just wanted to feel the way
I used to feel when your voice
could make my palms sweat
and lying on my bed alone
with the reciever in hand and
my fingers skimming the
surface of my thighs.
You have company,
It wasn’t your fault you snored
all night and your body heat
touching my bare legs was
driving me crazy.
Yet I still blame you for not
being the right one-for being
too much like my mother
and letting all your old friends
down including me.
I’m not even aroused, cheap date.
I was in the mood and everything.
Gotta go kiddo- you whisper in
your imfamous bedroom voice.
You’ve never even been in mine.
I’m doing fine by the way.

9-23-98

louder

it doesn’t hurt
my ears throbbing
the volume up
not loud enough
the song is unimportant
to the cause
just so much as it
beats in my bones
my heart is deaf
death is silence
my thoughts a rope
around my heart
I can make the pain forget
my stereo and I
hip high speakers
& some meaningless rhythms
eleven months
and I still can’t move
I’ve gone so far past
the streets we drove
so far past the half
standing tall
wooden ship we hid in
I am so much more powerful
than I have ever been
I can go to movies alone
I can be proud of myself
love is not such a dirty word
eleven months
I sit with the music louder
it just hit me & I had to hit back
hit you with the ones you hate
hit you back with moans
and guitar solos
snares and bad lyrics
if I can’t hear myself think
I can’t hear your voice
your condemnation
your curse
like I can’t ever go on
“never again is what you
swore”-but I will
use my attack
on your last hold
I WILL blame you
why not?
anything to forget
anything to hurt less
I guess the thumping
in my chest
is comfort for now
comfort I denied myself
for eleven months
comfort in beats & rhythms
melodies & bass lines
“I press my hands to my ears”

8-20-98

White-Lined Pages

Don’t feel much
Like writing here
White lined pages
Look so pure unused
Trying to reflect
On the same couch
Fan oscillating my hair
How is it I found
To be content still without
A soul mate
Absolution
Eight months away from
The last devastating blow
My heart still beating
Does pain make beauty-
Does pain and creativity flow
Through one line…
This is the way it seems to go
I sit and ponder pen and paper ready
My mind wanders somewhere
Out the window gone
I lose the will to write
Lose the words to describe
My heart steady
My life in control
I hope this means will not die
I still need to travel here
White-lined pages losing purity

8-15-98

Disclaimer (don't take me so seriously)

you wrote about a hummingbird
i would have been moved
if i trusted you a little more
am i really on this side?
what did he say to me?
did it make it any easier?
and you smiled half way
i can picture your face
i'm sorry i don't breath
and think about you now
but i do like your eyes
and the way you exhale
you search for my offerings
as if i'm holding back your rights
i'm not out for promises
i just like you around
go ahead and call her
i might do the same
i'm sorry if i won't posses you
you're not mine
and we hope we can do it
we hope we are above average
below genius
somehow still connected
i tried so many times to be clear
i thought you knew
i sent lots of messages
with with every disclaimer i could attach
you weren't up for reading
i just wanted
shall we go on?
let's be straight
come around sometime
i could use some good company

8-4-97

voice power

I’m in love
with your voice
every time
I get hollow
close my eyes
heavy
small army
heated causes
it’s in your head
I know best
I miss you now
sleepy, sleepy slow
you get smarter
so serious
quiet down
I am undone
god, how I fuck it up
make you whine
didn’t mean it
just want to get inside
stop thinking aloud
talk to me
tell me why and how
tell me any which way
yeah, you’re not the first
neither am I
we move on
stop saying words
thousands of hellos
potato chips too crunchy
chocolate pleading bitter
sort of fuzzy boy
shall I be your mother
listen to my world
on my end of the line
you hear different songs
give me everything
I want all
close my eyes
listen
genuine
don’t lie to me
all the time
faceless voice
I could recite
I love it when you call me sweetheart
I could be yours
you could be mine
send me a picture
may I fantasize
we are not mechanical
me and you
it’s flesh
every good thing hurts
do I rationalize bad
twisted? maybe
I only want more of you
look at me tightly
do I mean less than anyone
body goes with soul
we are ego greedy both
isn’t this the only way?

5-97

Send My Regards Too

her purple shoes
make me too sad
I hear you talking
the way your voice gets
sort of telling-secrets-low
creeping up behind my neck
I’m wearing your mothers coat
and your favorite scarf
I’m so damn cold
open the windows
check for all the burglars
I’m never tired of this
Casey’s on his way
I see them hanging
big velvet shoes
so very shoe-ish
in their shoe like way
sorry, I hate
those beautiful shoes
I want to kiss her feet
I touch the top of your hand
fingers crossed paths
I’m an adult now
in my dress up clothes
you used to be bigger
white-pant pony boy
every moment is only
an inside joke
city college freak
I’m walking downstairs
is it okay
is it really okay
I got to go
the best thing you ever said
to me was
“you’re envelope is bulging”
thanks a million
I can leave now
she’s having trouble
adjusting to the soles

12-21-96

In A Jar

So you think I was waiting
my whole life for this
hoping and lying wide awake
one moment
you can be so wrong
and I’m still walking
through the halls
looking for an open door
you think I was wishing
all the time for this
god, I look like shit
but my hands smell nice
I could sell my emptiness
a dollar a jar
I am not waiting
I am not shaking
I just don’t have the time
you think I was writing
everything down
immortalize your memory
as if it meant that much to me
why do I keep smiling
at all the pretty faces
those happy people
it doesn’t touch me
(I am lying now)

10-22-96

Tennis Shoes

I used to think you should
try my shoes sometime
but you would just say
they were too small
I used to love that
the way you’d make me
want to be bigger
but now my feet swim
I want my own size
it’s not funny anymore
how I look in your mirror
you should look in mine
you don’t reflect me
I need my laces tied
I love my shoes
they fit my feet
they hold my weight
they know the way I walk
I’ve past the point
of learning from this experience
I walk away form here
in my old school tennis shoes

10-20-96

Frozen Food

I’m waiting for you
to find me this time
as I stand
by the frozen juices
I'm trying to pass time
looking preoccupied
is harder than it seems
I think of sex
or something consuming
other than my chilly friends
I try to wander
looking lost
which isn't hard
at this time
I search the magazines
for my new crush
"is he really sixteen?"
they wonder
I should care
but his eyes
still cry "sorrow"
or some sad word
that attracts me every time
those dark and brooding boys
I can't get over
are you looking
I can't give in
I always do
you look at nail polish
or lipstick
anything but me
oh well, I should care
but I want to say goodnight
with the porch light on
and you see me off
without a sigh
you look just like me
my green coat from behind
some things are just better
if you never take them home
sleep peacefully
in your lover's arms
I leave alone every time

10-2-96

Tile

you looked so small
lying face down
against the kitchen floor
I asked you to come
here this way
the closer to the tiles
the less you are above me
all my fears are
sleeping in the bathroom
can we become
anyone we want
my fate decided, anyway,
not to speak in person
it's all in the carpet
your fingernails and such
I am a pedestrian too
are you listening?
I want to make you come
even if you want to go
learned some new tricks
to make the boys sweat
you will not be
my pride and joy
I'm going to go sober
without my inhibitions
do you want to come?
we can watch them
as they sleep tight
and kiss their eyelids,
smell the space between
his hair and his ears
did I forget to say
it's all about me
you can't see me bare
I want to pretend
there is something
you still don't know
the answer is obvious
I want everything I can
I want to smear
out all the edges
and make myself smile
you want to see inside
the doors I've slept through
my house is too small
and my teeth are too long
my toys are boring
you would be tired
sleep with me
I will not turn
or say "goodnight, joe"
you can leave as soon
as it occurs to you
there wasn't anything
that could have been useful
in your quest for power
I am not offended
I still want you to come
is that bad?

9-1-96

FREE BEER NIGHT

bored as fuck
you is what i want
to press tight
my finger down your
throat make me hotter
(i am so cold.)
i need my jeans off
on t.v. she sat
half naked waiting
the man would rather watch
you laughed, so i did too
at your little wiggle
or whatever it was
and that fucking face
you made on top of me
i could hardly watch
that fake shit
don't ask why while
you won't call
or kiss me in public
you keep going down
how funny you are to me
stop trying
(with your tongue out)
seriously though
you could go to hell
i guess i would care
but don't wait up
when i'm not there
this scene doesn't work
for me even while you
do it slow, down or-
behind your neck, where your
hair stops growing,
i will sleep there
push it back behind your ears
(to keep me warm)
and i might stay
if you stop moving
and give me something
to take home like
a towel or soap.

7-26-96