Push

Being pushed out
and over the edge-
being pushed out
of a great big house
of memories-
the memories-
the damn memories.
Being pushed out
and over reason
being pushed out
of my bed-my closet-
my dresser drawers-
my drawers-
I put MY clothes here-
my clothes.
Being pushed out
passed doorways
I know blindfolded-
I memorized how far
the kitchen-the den
the bathroom-my room-
I know it all by heart.
Being pushed out
by my former father
forced to love-now hate
I hate you-
because I loved you
and this great big house-
damn house-damn you
damn the cold world
I have to live in.
This was my shelter-
this house-these walls
hid my imperfection-
my insecurity.
Being pushed out
and over the edge
she rejoices-the freedom
my mother-my mother
she will not be my walls-
she takes flight
free-Free-FREE
STOP
Don't push me out
don't look down-
don't touch my things-
and loss of love
don't touch-don't touch.
Being pushed out
I know the time
I want to forget
I want to remember
to hold on-hold on
I remember parties-laughter
remember broken windows
building shelves-together
painting walls-together
sitting down for dinner
(what a concept!)
we held hands- heads bowed
in union-bound by prayer
for our family-together
I still bow my head
but not for prayer
for shame-for regret
I cannot look at you
my previous-former father
I cannot meet your eyes
ever again
you tear down my walls
tear down-tear down.

5-5-93