In
1984, every girl
wore those jelly shoes.
Glitter plastic in pink
and
blue and yellow
seemed so frivolous.
They
hurt, they pinched,
gave no heel or arch support,
but still,
I
wanted them.
Flimsy buckles and basket-
weave spilling
toes out,
leaving
sharp red grooves
like a map for hours.
I wanted to be that frivolous,
to
squeeze the surface of
my nine year old feet, marking me
like every girl.
8-5-13
Groups of teenage
boys laughing
like hyenas
still make me
grit my teeth and
tighten my grip
as the twelve
year old me
crosses her arms
across her chest,
pushes her eyes
down like a
criminal when
my only crime
was passing them
on the sidewalk.
Boys in packs
are hunters, not
friends and a twelve
year old girl can't
fight back, so she
learns to walk fast
and smile like an
apology but not
like an offering.
4-17-13
Appeared in Atticus Review, July 2013
I saw a girl at Target, she was
me at twenty-one years old.
She had my blond hair and
simple black-lined eyes,
a red vest and black band
shirt from Joy Division's
Unknown Pleasures.
Iconic jagged white
mountain lines I once
plastered to my purse.
The image is a badge, I know
immediately, she is cool
in the way I was cool
working at Target at twenty-one.
I want to tell her we got
bigger plans, even if you can't
see it now, and that boy,
who torments your soul,
is just passing by. I want
to tell her we end up alright,
and all that confusion might
not get clear, but it settles.
And all that sadness, the
endless sadness fades away,
but I give her a slight grin
and muster, "I like your shirt."
I don't know how else to say it,
so I pay and leave for home.
4-9-13
Appeared in East Jasmine Review, Vol. 1 Issue 2
Once we were angry youth
shaved heads and colored hair
When I saw you were tragic
I adhered to you
So many secrets to keep
so much truth to grasp
We made honest promises
and everything we felt
it was sacred
Velvet capes and monkey boots
it was The Cure and L.S.U.
Music sang so many things
we knew them all by heart
We sat against the stereo
volume up high
as if to absorb it
inhale its passion
the truth of it all
was in guitar strings
and piano keys
I was anchored to you
in the hurricane of our youth
We outlasted the storm
and the years became memories
and miles grew between us
You and I got regular haircuts
and wore practical shoes
Always and always
I swore to keep us tied
I'd be that solid girl
who cleaned up after
those natural disasters
But the tides have changed
and it's you who set sail
you pulled up the anchor
and I am untethered
The current and our priorities
the list of things we hold as true
are no longer matched
Faithful wife of twenty years
I am still living alone
mother of teenagers
I am the mother of none
woman of the God
I no longer believe in
I know it was only loyalty
that tied us still
You hardly listen to music
and the song in my heart
is the saddest melody
I release you-though you've been gone
We are no longer angry youth
Will you return on another tide
Will time rise and fall
like the ocean waves
Will the anchors never sink
in the same deep waters
I am drifting out far
I know I can swim
But you were the only one
who knew the beginning and the end
long letters in pen and phone calls
salsa and bookstores at midnight
long drives to nowhere for the sake
of the songs on the stereo
and the promises and the secrets
we have none left to keep
3-3-13
